January 29, 2003 | 11:54 PM

If you wanna hear about the audition, read my last entry.

OK�I just wanna say I love my sister so much. She is without a doubt in the world my best friend. She knows me so well and I know her so well. And I feel more comfortable with her than I�ve ever felt with anyone in my whole life. I can�t believe how lucky I am to have her as my close blood relation. I respect and admire her, and always have fun with her. I feel so fucking blessed to have her in my life and here with me now. How perfect is it that she was here with me during such a shitty awful episode. There is nobody else who could have understood everything I needed during that lousy week. She listened to me and offered good advice and she made me laugh�at myself and at the situation, and didn�t make me feel obligated to her or that I was putting her out. And she threw me dance parties and made me dinner. And she wouldn�t indulge me in pity parties. She made me see how strong I am and that I�m OK, regardless of how anyone else behaves. We�ve always been really close and only grow closer. She is so loyal and kind and funny and smart and beautiful and talented. I just love her so fucking much. She is an inspiration to me. I am going to be so so sad when she leaves.

I take her out to dinner and buy her little things every day because I just fucking LOVE her so god damned much. I have never met a person in my whole life whom I love so much as I love Bethy. I would lay down on a god damned train track for her and that�s the truth. I remember taking care of her and baby-sitting her when we were both very young. I had a lot of responsibility for her, and I never ever minded. I always felt so protective of her and close to her.

When her jerky ex-boyfriend treated her like dirt, I wrote him a letter and told him to go fuck himself. And you know what? As psychotic as that might have seemed, I�d do it again. Everyone needs someone in their life who is going to be loyal no matter what-- who is going to stand by and love and respect you and talk you though dark moments and isn�t going to turn on you. Someone you can be absolutely sure of. And my sister is that to me. We�re goofy together and straight with each other and God, again�I just wanna say how LUCKY I am to have her. Bethy is my idol. She is a beacon of caring and concern.

But you know what? Now that I�ve gotten beyond all this crap, I�ve been able to really see and realize all the amazing people I have in my life. People whom I know are really there for me, and whom I�m there for. People who can be straight with me and whom I can be honest with, even in the most upsetting of periods. And it�s just wonderful to have that. It�s wonderful to know you can count on people and they can count on you. I love my friends and I feel so sure of them and sure of myself in their presence. I haven�t had that in so long, and it�s wonderful. It�s wonderful to know where people stand�that there�s no intrigue or change of beliefs on barely a moment�s notice. I know I can go to them in any instance and they won�t just about face turn around in a second and tell me that I�m a jerk for being upset with them for behaving in a way that�s counter to how they�ve behaved for several years on end.

And things aren�t so enmeshed between people. Nobody�s in the middle, and things can be worked out. Nobody abandons anyone else or stops talking to them or lies or misleads or sacrifices. It�s finally not like a fucking soap opera. I know I�m not going to be made a fool of or discarded for a passing fancy.

And I like myself when I�m around them. I really like who I am. I don�t feel guilty or bad about myself. I don�t feel like I�m doing anything wrong. I don�t feel like I or anyone else will talk shit about someone and then turn around on a dime and change their mind. It just feels normal even when things get fucked up and people get angry with one another. There aren�t any secrets. Shit can be talked out. This has been so long in coming. And I am so GRATEFUL.