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Monday, Mar. 10, 2008 | 1:23 PM

Dead/Alive

I haven't added an entry here in years. And now I've locked this and so it's just for me. It's a convenient place to keep everything all together. I don't write anymore and I think I need to again because I am out of touch with my feelings. Trouble is, last time I was writing here I turned my feelings into a three ring circus. Diary writing should be anonymous and personal and sacred, I think. Not something you share with the rest of the world.

I was re-reading my entries from awhile back and a couple of things struck me. I was delusional and self dramatizing and kind of crazy. But I also was having a lot of fun. Around the time I met Matt, I was so creatively fulfilled. And right now that isn't the case. I adore my son and my husband and I feel truly blessed. I also think I've grown a great deal. I quit drinking and I am much more grounded. But sometimes I'm so fucking bored I could scream. I feel trapped and frustrated. I don't understand why I was born with the talent I have only to be stymied at every turn when I attempt to use it and be able to make a living off of it. The thing is, is that when you become a grown up and you have a family and a small child, so much of your energy (rightfully) is put into that, that you just don't have enough hours in the day to simply do art for the sake of it. And so it gets sacrificed to "Real Life." Obviously, "Real Life" is enormously valuable and it's worth putting so much into, but I feel like a signifigant portion of who I am is being cut away. And I am deeply saddened by that. I miss how ALIVE and in the moment I used to feel when I was doing theatre, and to some extent recording-- not so much performing live with the band, mostly because no one in the audience really gave a shit and it's hard to connect with them and with the people onstage who are just really straight ahead musicians. They're GREAT and everything- but it felt a little dead up there, you know?

More later.

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

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Anna/Female/26-30. Lives in United States/Massachusetts/Boston/Cambridge Harvard Square, speaks English. Spends 60% of daytime online. Uses a Faster (1M+) connection. And likes acting/music.
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United States, Massachusetts, Boston, Cambridge Harvard Square, English, Anna, Female, 26-30, acting, music.