Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004 | 12:38 PM

Last night we watched the eclipse and the sox won the world series.

The sox won the world series.

I�m not what you would call a baseball fanatic or anything, but for many reasons, I have a soft spot in my heart for the Boston Red Sox. I have lots of good memories associated with them. And I�m truly thankful and glad that they won.

But beyond that, it�s the mythology that interests me. If the Red Sox can beat the Yankees after a three game deficit and then sweep the world fucking series, absolutely anything is possible. There is redemption for everyone. Hope springs anew. Kerry could win the presidency. Peace can come to the Middle East. My band could land a major label contract and make a billion dollars.

It really does feel like anything and everything is possible right now. It�s very very exciting to be alive. On both a personal level and in the world around me, it feels like magic is happening. I am so happy and around every corner something wonderful waits.

I know a lot of the time in this journal I come off like Mary fucking Poppins, and in some ways that�s not totally honest�I have my bad days and depressions but I hold off on talking about them because� well, because I�m trying very hard to integrate two warring parts of my personality and I haven�t quite gotten the hang of it yet. One is the ultra critical, sharp, ambitious, I-don�t-give-a-flying-fuck-what-you-think-here-is-my-truth side. And the other side is the side that cannot stand to hurt or offend anyone. I feel like in a lot of ways I�m not honest, that I�m chickenshit, because I have been too cowardly in the past to say calmly, rationally, and with conviction to people�s faces, �I am very angry with you for this and such a reason.� Or �I�ve outgrown this�, etc. etc�you know, asserting my own truth. That�s basically what I am trying to get better at doing�it all comes out anyway in a much uglier sideways form when you don�t just SAY it.

I�m not perfect and Matt isn�t perfect either, but we are perfect for each other, and each of us to the other is like some kind of wonderful spell that opened life up again. We really have saved each other�s lives.

The Mid East show was an interesting experience on a number of levels and made me realize a lot of things�it was definitely a growing experience. I�m being purposefully vague here. We got a live recording off the soundboard and Matt and I listened to it in bed last night�I dunno� I sound like a fucking schmuck but I think we�re fucking brilliant. We had an OK crowd�not our best but fuck it was a Monday night so no big deal. I want to go to the next level with the band� Paula and Aaron have been really helpful in that regard. Matt had a long talk with Aaron the other day and when Matt relayed everything to me later on, it was illuminating. It�s really wonderful to have mentors�that�s something that I had really been sorely lacking in my life�people who you look up to and have a lot of experience, and think you have talent and are willing to help you. It�s really necessary. If I ever get anywhere I�m going to help people in the way we�ve been helped by so many others.

I feel like I�ve gotten rid of a lot of dead weight from my life. I simply just don�t have time to be around anyone who isn�t really moving, going somewhere, being INSPIRING. If you sit on your ass and don�t do anything, I just have no fucking use for you. I cannot stand wasted talent. It literally kills me to watch people throw away their god given gifts�like seriously, I feel drained and heartsick when I�m around someone who I can SEE has so much potential and they just aren�t doing anything with it. Solution? Surrounding oneself only with the inspiring.

Speaking of which, Angus is kicking ass and taking names lately. He was in a play that was very well reviewed, his picture was in the Phoenix, and he is not directing the movie version (really low budget) of the play. This is of course what he always should have been doing. It fills me with joy to come home every day and hear him on the phone discussing production costs and whatnot. He�s so FOCUSED. Good for him.

We have a really happy home. It�s unconventional since Angus and I were involved and now I�m marrying Matt, but Matt and Angus really like each other and there are no bad feelings. They are two of the men I love most dearly in the world and when I come home, I feel truly like I�m HOME which I have never ever felt when living in Boston. The closest thing to that was my Harvard Square apartment, but I lived alone and though that was a REALLY GOOD THING for me to do at the time, I was in a transitional period.

You know, everything really does work out for the best if you let it.