Friday, Sept. 24, 2004 | 11:59 AM

I have my period and the worst cramps ever. I feel like my uterus is a washcloth that someone (God?) is ringing out. I�ve taken four Advil and there has been no dent made in the pain, and after I get off from work I have to go to Harvard Square to refill my birth control prescription and to renew my and Matt�s gym membership so I won�t even have time to get home and take a nap before company comes over.

Company is Matt�s best friend Dave who is going to be Matt�s best man in our wedding. Dave is kind of the wacky bachelor in the sitcom of our life�he�s Howard in The Bob Newhart Show if you will. Dave and Matt have been best friends since first grade and Dave has a sweetness about him that really moves me. I am looking forward to eating tacos and getting high with him.

But these fucking cramps. JESUS H. CHRIST. Not good at all.

However I did get to wake up this morning next to the most beautiful boy in the world who wrapped his arms around me and told me how pretty I am and babied me and asked me what kind of chocolate he should buy me. You know something wonderful? Matt doesn�t ever have class or work until at least noon every day and yet he wakes up with me every day at 8AM so he can get his homework done while I am work, thus having evenings free to spend time with me. And he is not a morning person. He would just as soon sleep til noon every day. I didn�t ask him to change his schedule for me either; he just decided to do it because he wants to be with me. That, ladies and gentlemen, is love.

Matt�s moving in on November 1rst. He�s at my apartment all the time anyway. He hasn�t been home in days. So it makes sense and saves on rent and we after all are getting married in August (by which time we will have our own home.) Angus is being cool about it. He and Matt get along famously.

But I will say it�s hard living around so much regret. Having grown into a person that makes strong choices and being romantically involved with a person who does as well, I am saddened when I see people who do everything half assed. Who allow stuff to happen to them rather than actually doing anything with gusto. This lack of an ability to make choices is what causes regret, I think. Angus could never decide totally that he wanted to be with me (nobody I�ve ever been involved with has ever been able to do thatg except Matt, and I mean that in a spiritual context as opposed to like, saying someone is your girlfriend or whatever.) And I think now he regrets that he lost me. Silly. See, the only wrong choice you can make is not making a choice. It�s that netherworld of not really going one way or another that I find infuriating and I don�t know how I lived there for so long. I see so many people wasting time and I want to shake them. Don�t they know that if they act they won�t have regrets? I see so many people around me wasting their twenties being out at bars and shows and not actually doing anything besides amusing themselves in the most safe ways.

I�m not afraid to get married or to put all my eggs into the basket of this band or to move or to do anything really anymore and that feels good. I feel like I stopped waiting and actually started living. Thank God for that.

I was thinking about how anti-monogamous relationships I was prior to being with Matt, and I don�t think my feelings have changed per se because what I�d affirmed was that nobody should be with anyone who isn�t 100% perfect for them. I never thought I�d find anyone 100% perfect for me, and thus wasn�t willing to be with anyone. It�s funny how the universe presents you with that you feel you are worth. People say stuff all the time like, �well noboy�s perfect� or �relationships are hard work� blah bvlha blha�I used to say that. But you know what? It�s bullshit. Don�t fucking settle for anything other than exactly what you need. I could never have another relationship again where I didn�t get that.

It�s better to be alone than to be with someone who can�t really decide what they want or isn�t giving you exactly what you need in the context of a romantic relationship. It�s so much better to hold out for what you know you deserve and to be solvent on your own. I�m so so so glad that I waited for two years to get involved with anyone seriously. And that I know that the only person in the whole world Matt wants to be with is me. We all deserve to be loved for exactly who we are. The magical thing about that concept is that when someone really does love you unconditionally, you wind up metamorphosing in tremendous ways. Matt brings out the absolute best in me. He consistently challenges me to be a better person. He has impeccable character and ethics.

Another thing I�ve really decided on is that if someone is cheating on you or you suspect they are or even that they want to, get out of the relationship because it�s not working. And vice versa, if you�re into other people it�s a sign that your relationship is fucked or that YOU�RE fucked and have some fucking issues to deal with before you can be with anyone. You CANNOT be intimate and truly in love with more than one person at a time and anyone who says differently is fucking lying to themselves. I perpetuated that lie for a long time myself for lots of reasons, mostly because I was hurting so bad. Now, the very thought of having any sexual relations with anyone besides Matt is a turn off.

I feel like I finally got on the right track and it feels good. Maybe all these institutions like marriage and monogamy and such exist because THEY FUCKING WORK AND ARE RIGHT.

I really love having the life I have. Why did I run from this for so long?