Monday, Sept. 27, 2004 | 3:59 PM

I always forget that progress is not a game of chutes and ladders. Progress is like an ocean wave carrying a stone to shore. It swirls over and back on itself. It ebbs and flows.

�I am not perfect and that�s OK. I at least was more conscious of what was happening to me emotionally yesterday when I started shutting down and getting angry. And at least I didn�t stop eating or start throwing up. And at least I talked about it. I feel like a dick that I wasn�t able to accept the love and understanding that Matt dished me. I really really hate that about myself. But it�s like when that subject comes up, all the stored resentment from previous situations washes over any of the new structures I�ve built.

Why does everything fall like a house of cards when this topic comes up? Why is your sense of self so fragile that the most gentle discussion of issues peripheral to this situation causes you to lose your shit?

He said. And he�s right. WHY am I am fucking fragile about looks and physical appearance?

And all I can say is that it�s because I am sick and I�m trying to get better. And he is the only person I�ve ever had an intimate relationship with who has dealt with me appropriately and lovingly regarding these issues and I am still despite everything pretty fucking guarded and pathological about it.

Sometimes I get very discouraged with myself but I am trying the best I can. But I have to be honest and say that yesterday I was asking myself what the fuck am I doing in a relationship? I don�t want to deal with this pain. The thing is, it�s not him who is causing me pain. This is pain that exists within me already and he is shining a light on it so I can clear it out finally and just accept myself the way that I am.

But looking at your dark corners is not fun. I feel sorry for anyone who has ever had to deal with that side of me.