Friday, May. 14, 2004 | 1:25 PM

Duh�I�m not marrying him now. How stupid would that be? But I will marry him. And in the not too distant future.

We�re both so super career minded and we have to get that shit together first. The band. The band is the thing. And the band will be huge. Have you ever had unshakeable faith? Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional. But as John Lennon said, I�m either a genius or I�m crazy and I�m betting on genius. Another thing Lennon said was,

When I was just starting out in the Beatles, I thought we were the best god damned group in the fucking world. And believing that is what made it happen.

You have to commit. That�s something I�ve learned. You have to commit 100%. You can�t just kinda maybe want something or someone. You have to be willing to risk it all. Like I did for Matt. You have to put it all on the line. And if you lose, so fucking what? YOU TRIED. And even failing is so much better than a dull complacent life where you settle for a whole lot of mediocrity.

I love Matt because he dreams so big. But he�s not just a dreamer. He acts on those dreams. His universe is so large and benevolent. And he has the talent, beauty, and inner steel to get whatever he wants. And you know what? He is making me realize just how much I am exactly the same.

And I believe�I believe that my destiny is greatness, and so is Matt�s. And I believe that wonderful beautiful things are going to happen for us.

Last night was so� so�

I don�t know. It was religious.

And I would be lying if I said that I wasn�t fucking TERRIFIED. That when he put his hands on my face and told me that we are meant to be together and that he loves more than anything and can see right into my soul, the first thing that happened was a jolt of primal fear went through me. Because he is bringing me back to life in ways I didn�t know could happen. Theatre and music had done that as well, but he is opening doors that have been closed for so long. And I am trusting him absolutely. And it�s so scary to love and be loved so much, but so rewarding.

No one has what we have.

He said.

well maybe a couple people.

I kissed his collar bone.

Who?

Paula Kelley and Aaron. Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. Sam Shepard and Jessica Lange. And of course John and Yoko�minus their pathology.

He�s right. What we have is one in a million. It�s a gift from God.

And we will be married. And we will be bandmates. And we will save ourselves and the world.

It feels so good to be idealistic again.