Monday, May. 17, 2004 | 4:10 PM

I love you so much. So much.

We were in bed and when he spoke those words, something in me snapped.

But how do you even know that? I�m the first person you�ve ever made the decision to be with. You�re naive. You don�t know what you�re talking about. Someday you�ll realize that you were just being foolish and that you never loved me in the first place.

Then I burst into tears uncontrollably. And it was like a I sucker punched him in the gut.

I�m a fucking asshole.

Pathology rears its ugly head. I couldn�t just be happy could I? I couldn�t just accept the sincere love and devotion of someone who is the kindest, most honest, most beautiful most amazing lover on the planet.

I had to doubt. I had to question his emotional world.

I had lunch with Liz the next day and I almost burst into tears.

What�s wrong with me? Why is it that I am so happy and I have everything I want and yet I�m so fucking terrified?

She said,

When are the moments you freak out most?

I thought about it.

When he tells me that he loves me or that I�m beautiful or that I�m an empress or that he wants to spend his life with me.

And what does the voice inside your head tell you when he says things like that.

That he�s lying. That he doesn�t mean it. That he doesn�t know what he�s talking about because he�s inexperienced. That he�s going to leave me and I need to be prepared for it.

And who do you think that voice is?

Pause.

My past. My history.

And how old is that voice? Does this have to do with John?

I dipped my toast in a sunny side up egg.

No. I mean tangentially, you know, yeah it does. I definitely played some of these same games with John, although I actually had really good facts to back up and feed my pathology. This time I don�t. I keep coming up with reasons that he doesn�t actually love me and want to be with me but they�re all bullshit. Because he does. He�s perfect.

So how old is the You that�s telling you all this stuff when you�re freaking out?

And then it hits me.

12. That�s when my dad died.

And why did that 12 year old decide that she was never going to believe that anyone ever loved her again.

Because before my father died, I was basically happy. And love was such a part of my life in so many ways. And then suddenly, the bottom fell out of all that. And not only did I lose him, I lost that entire atmosphere of mutual affection that I�d been accustomed to. And I guess� I guess I�m afraid that if I truly accept the idea that Matt loves me, if I believe it, that will be the impetus for me to losing that love. And� in the past I�ve always chosen men who for whatever reason couldn�t really fully love me, because then you know, there was really nothing to lose in certain respects. And Matt seemed like one of those people initially, but it turned out that I was wrong.

Loss is a hat you�ve been wearing for a long time.

I know. I don�t know what love is without loss. I feel like I have to be constantly prepared for it.

Well, I don�t think Matt is going to leave you. I really don�t., But even if he did�

I know.

You�re not twelve years old anymore. You can tell that twelve year old that she�s not right. You�re a twenty-seven year old woman and you�re strong enough to deal with whatever comes your way.

I know. And I� oh my God. I can�t believe what I did to him. I feel sick. I did what someone used to do to me�which is to tell him that how he felt was wrong. That he didn�t know his own heart.

**

God. I am so fucking fucked up, still. Poor Matt. Poor sweet beautiful Matt.

We hung out last night and I told him about the conclusions I�d come to and he understood, but in certain ways the damage is done. He was cautious and guarded and that look of love that�s always in his eyes was still there, but there the way the sun is still there when it�s pouring rain. And of course, he had every right to that. I pushed him away. Now I have to bear the consequences.

I feel so terrible about this. He allowed himself to be so vulnerable and I sliced him, God damn�t. I am so filled with self loathing right now. I don�t know what to do, but I guess I�m just going to have to step back and let him feel safe enough to open up to me again.

I still am hating myself right now.