Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 | 1:40 PM

OK. So.

Here are the things I am doing to change my lifestyle.

1) I have an appointment with my doctor for a physical next week and to get a referral to a nutritionist. No more crazy diets. Just normal eating. I have no idea what normal eating is, so I�m hoping she can tell me.

2) I am joining the Harvard Gym, which has a pool.

3) Since I am bored shitless now that Company is over, I am going to take a martial arts class. Am in the process of getting recommendations and calling different places.

I�m thinking about my drinking and pill popping. I�m thinking about it a lot. I haven�t come to any conclusions yet. I think if I start with general lifestyle changes, it will help me to make the BIG changes I know I�m going to have to make because I�ll already have support in place to do so.

It�s not that I�m making these changes for Matt�it�s not that I think he�ll like me more if I�m thinner or in better shape or something (and lord fucking knows I played that game a million times in the past. Ugh.) It�s the opposite. For the first time, I know that there is someone who loves me and wants to be with me and is worried about me. And he makes me see that I deserve to be happier and healthier than I am.

And I know that I want to be with this person. I mean, I think maybe for the rest of my life. And I want it to work. And it�s not going to work if I don�t confront all of my walls and blocks.

Plus, he makes me want to live longer. And quite frankly, there was a part of me that didn�t give two shits whether I dropped dead at the age of 35.

It�s very scary to love someone as much as I love him, especially after having been so hurt in the past.

It�s scary but worth it.

And he�s worth being a better person for.