Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 | 10:54 AM

I like the term �lover�. I like thinking about Matt as my lover. Sometimes when I sit at work, I think to myself,

I�m going to see my lover tonight.

And it always brings me this thrill.

And I also it�s the most appropriate. That�s what we are, and not just because we sleep together (by the way I never think of what we do together as �fucking.� I absolutely think of it as making love.) There is an element of mysticism and tenderness and being connected at a soul level is what occurs between us in bed which is like nothing I�ve ever experienced in my whole life. I�ve had great sex before, but (at least with men) this is the first time I haven�t felt like a collection of body parts. He makes love to everything I am, and my whole body feels connected all the way up. Of course what we are in bed together is simply an offshoot of what we are when we�re not in bed. It�s almost as though we can read each other�s minds. He knows what I�m thinking and feeling. There�s never need to explain. We force each other to be real. And there isn�t a doubt in mind that we are meant to be together.

We are lovers. That is what we do. We love each other.

But referring to someone as your lover�in casual conversation or when introducing them to say, your boss�is so pretentious. I�m pretentious anyway, but that�s pretentious to a point that should be illegal. That�s like carrying around a dog-eared copy of Being and Nothingness while wearing a black beret, smoking a tiny French cigarette, and listening to Jacques Brel, and it starts to rain just as �Ne Me Quitte Pas� cues up.

So I�m back to �boyfriend��a term that I�d grown to despise in the past (though not as much as I�ve grown to despise the term, �girlfriend.� There was a long time where that word made me gag.)

I�m not minding boyfriend so much. It�s an easy going everyday sort of term. Something you can conveniently take for granted. It�s a soft, strong word. Something you can count on. I never thought I�d want to have a boyfriend again, but he is my boyfriend. It�s funny how things work out�how in the past couple of weeks my thoughts and feelings about so many things have shifted 180 degrees.

I�m still thinking a lot about what he said. About the changes I want to make. Trying to absorb all this new information and carve out a new lifestyle for myself. I�m 27 years old, I have a great artistic career ahead of me, and the most wonderful boyfriend (lover?) I could possibly imagine. It�s time to leave all this self-loathing, Leaving Las Vegas, drinking myself into a coma bullshit behind.

It�s time to grow up.