Monday, May. 03, 2004 | 7:25 PM

Oh dear god I am so emo right now that I can�t even function. I haven�t eaten in a very very long time�days and days. What should I eat? Pizza? No. I�ve lost twenty pounds in a week. I slept for ten hours today finally after no sleep and so much worrying. I fell asleep watching Superman: The Movie today. I love that film.

I�ve had a trial by fire and I lived through it and now oh my God I�ve been reborn. Yes. I have never felt this way. Oh christ. How can I explain to you what this is like? Like my whole life has lead up to this? I knew within ten minutes of meeting him that I loved him. He is for me. I am for him. We were made for each other. We are part of each other. He is my heart. I am his. We are going to London together. We are embarking on our lives together. How did this happen. What did I do to deserve such joy? Everything is different now. The world is new.

Do you know what it�s like when you love another human being like this and they love you? It�s the most beautiful thing in the fucking world. I�m seeing him tomorrow. I�m going to his house and making love to him in the afternoon and I can�t wait to be with him. My heart is sandblasted open. I�ve been healed. I�ve been given new breath. I have everything I could want in the world.

He�s so good. So beautiful. The most beautiful person I�ve ever known. I never knew I could love like this and be loved like this. I had been dead. Dead for years and years. I think since my father died I was dead. And he brought me back to life. And he loves me exactly as I am. Fucked up pathology and fatness and drunkeness and all. This beautiful beautiful boy loves me. He loves me. He said,

I�m so sorry to have put you through this. I loved you all along and I didn�t know it.

Oh God. OH GOD.

And you know, when someone else loves you exactly as you are and you love them, you can see yourself through their eyes�you can see that you are OK, that you are accepted, that there isn�t anything wrong with you. That you are beautiful. He makes me feel so beautiful and so real and so loved.

And if you don�t know him, you should. What is he like? He�s so fucking intelligent and driven and talented and perfect. He�s so good. Thank you, God for creating him.

And thank YOU, peeps. Thank you for being there and for being amazing and wonderful, and I�ll call you in a couple days when I�ve gotten my head on straight00 Debbie I love you and I miss you and yes we will hang out and I can�t wait to talk to you.

Thank you for sharing your lives with me, and letting me share mine.

This life is so perfect and lovely. You are all perfect exactly as you are. So am I.

Thank you. THANK YOU.