Monday, May. 03, 2004 | 10:57 AM

So besides having the play this weekend I also had to work Saturday and Sunday from 8AM on. And I�ve been partying of course. So I�ve been living on no sleep. Right now I feel like I�m about to have a nervous breakdown. I�ve had a total of six hours of sleep in the past two days, have been popping ritalin like noboy'd business just to saty awake,m and have been drinking. I�m feeling so emotionally charged that I can�t see straight. And Matt still hasn�t called. I know I told him I�d talk to him after Company was over and I wanted to give him space. But Company was over Saturday night and still no word. I miss him so much. I don�t know what he�s thinking or how he�s doing. And I so badly want to keep myself in an idealistic mode�it�s really not even about where the romantic aspect of our relationship stands, but I so want for him to be as honest and courageous and accepting of love as I know he can be and I�m going to be so hurt and disappointed if he shuts down and freezes me out. The more time that goes by, the more worried I am that such a scenario will occur.

And I�m so sad and fucked up about Company being over too. I am having a very hard time holding it together right now. I just want to start crying so badly but I can�t because I�m at fucking work (which I hate. I hate this goddamned job so much right now that if it were a person I�d clock it in its fucking face. However, I am amazingly proud of myself that I made it work on time all weekend and I actually did my job. I am fucking Superwoman.)

I�m not sorry about anything. I�m not sorry that I cracked open my heart and let him see the gory insides. I�m not sorry that I reached out the way I did. I�m not sorry that I slept with him. I�m not sorry for any of it. No matter what. You can�t live life being afraid, and I wouldn�t trade a moment that I had with him for the whole world if it turns out that he�s going to not be able to handle any of this.

But I am going to be so so so fucking sad. God I feel so sad right now. I miss Company and I miss Matt and I�m trying to keep a positive open perspective but all I feel right now is this horrible sense of loss. I just want to go home, pour myself a very large glass of wine, get into bed, and cry.