Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 | 10:08 AM

Last night�s audience was the lamest audience I have ever dealt with. They didn�t laugh at anything funny and they lacked energy utterly. They just sat stoically in their seats. But then, during the curtain call, they fucking cheered and gave us a standing ovation. Go figure. I definitely hit another new peak in my scene, thanks (I think) to what�s going on in my personal life now. I love playing this role and I�m going to miss it so much.

On the way out after the show, one of the people in the audience told me he�d seen 15 different versions of Company including the one at the Kennedy Center that was up just recently, and that I was the best Joanne he�s ever witnessed. That is the greatest compliment I have ever been given in my entire life, hands down.

No word yet from The Boy of My Dreams. And that�s as I expected regardless of what he decides. He�s deliberate like that, and I know he�s thinking about it (and most likely freaking out.) I miss him so much and I�m so scared.

But really, what�s there to be scared of? I have to trust that even if things don�t work out romantically, he still loves me and we�ll still be close. What we have is too meaningful to get fucked up because we made love. We�re in a friggin� band together fer christ sakes, and he adores the hell out of me. In fact, I don�t know that there�s anyone who�s ever truly �gotten� me before and sees me exactly for who I am and thinks that person is terrific the way that he does. I have to give myself more credit. It�s not like he�s going to freeze me out, and if he did, that would be his own fucked up issue and not mine.

I mean, look at what�s happened with Angus and I. We aren�t �together� but I am closer to him than to anyone in the world. Our friendship deepened in incredible ways I never would have predicted after our romantic involvement. We�ve dealt with serious bullshit and we have a rather, um nontraditional relationship that�s worked out splendidly. All sorts of things can happen if you let them.

That�s something else I�m dealing with right now. I�ve been involved with Angus for awhile. We�ve been sleeping together pretty consistently. I don�t know where everyone is going to fit into my life, and I told Angus Monday night that our physical relationship may end now�I just don�t know. He was wonderful and supportive about it. I know how crazy this all sounds, but honestly it works out really well. Since I slept with Matt I�ve been celibate (yeah good for me-- a whole friggin five days. I should win an award. Seriously, I am such a slut.) And I�m not going to fool around with anyone until I figure out what�s up with Matt and I. Honestly right now, all I want is HIM. And that�s a HUGE thing for me to say.

But anyway�look at Ivy�another great success story. She and I are close friends now too. And then there�s several other people whom I�ve had sex with who are now my good friends.

There�s really nothing to be scared of. This isn�t a zero sum game. I love him and I know he loves me. It�s real. I said what I wanted and how I felt. It will unfold naturally from there.

As Tolkien says, even the wisest know not all ends.