Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 | 1:21 PM

I can�t believe I�m still thinking about this and going crazy about this.

At heart I�m such a stupid idealist romantic. I always believe that people have it in them to be extraordinary�to sieze the day and to change. Because I certainly have. I�ve metamorphosed�died and been reborn so many times. But I�ve suffered an enormous amount of disappointment and pain based on thinking people might be capable of things they really weren�t capable of, or didn�t care enough to try.

But it�s just ingrained in me. I see into people�s souls. I see what they are capable of. And I expect that from them.

I look at him, and I see this person who is terrified of love. Who has never had a relationship. Who had never even (before me) slept with anyone he actually truly cared about. And I know that I would be so good for him. And I love him so completely and I know that if he just takes this next leap�he already took a huge one this past weekend�that it would open him up like a god damned sunflower.

Will this happen? I don�t know.

I�m an unlikely choice in so many ways. I look like Mama Cass. I�m four years older than him and I�ve been around the block. I�m boozy and I don�t give a shit about keeping my apartment clean and I stay out til all hours and I have sex with boys and girls and taxi drivers I don�t know.

Him�he�s a straight A student and a compulsive planner/organizer. He�s a perfectionist who lives in his head. He�s brainy as hell and careful and he looks like a fucking Botticelli angel.

And somehow, we just fit. We�re soulmates. I can�t stress this strongly enough. Maybe I�m crazy. I probably am. But I just KNOW that we should be together. And this is coming from someone who has been on a fuckfest for the past two years straight�who has sneered at monogamy and its conventions. Who became the most jaded cynic imaginable.

Meeting this beautiful fucking boy changed my mind and opened my heart.

I would walk around the world for him. He has set my soul on fire.