Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004 | 11:54 PM

Tonight was the first read through for Company.

I have to preface all of this by saying how different this experience is than Cabaret. And what I mean by that is that I am so different. Going into Cabaret I was destroyed. I�d felt like my life had been yanked out from under me and I was about a hair away from landing in Bellvue. I also hadn�t done any theater in more than half a decade. I was a raw nerve then. I was like (and forgive the analogy) a scared little lamb, totally unsure of myself. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was terrifying and exciting, and I was in for a beautiful whirlwind. Nothing could possibly equal that experience, because it basically brought me back from the dead. It was like falling in love for the first time. Doing Cabaret was total catharsis, and personal alchemy. I credit that experience with saving my life. Cabaret put me back on the road towards becoming a whole person. Short of landing on Broadway or working on an album with Beck, I can�t imagine any creative endeavor changing me so totally.

A year later, although I still grapple with many of the same dumb issues, I am on solid footing in my personal life. I also have a strong sense of my own abilities, and thanks to the ART class with my genius professor, some concrete technical skills. I know what I�m doing and I know how good I am. I�m far more focused and in control.

Tonight I was totally relaxed. I had a ball, and nothing really felt like it was on the line. I know in a very real way how to accomplish what I want to accomplish. It was just plain fun. A much more light hearted, much less spiritually profound situation. Which isn�t good or bad�it�s just an entirely different thing. I am definitely far more effective and confident as an actress than I was last year, and I can�t wait to get a jump on the production because with all my nervousness and ungainliness dissipated, it�s gonna be a helluva good time.

So anyway�

Company is a masterful show. It�s Sondheim�s first �concept� musical. It�s alinear�almost cyclical and much more about theme than plot. The music is some of the most exciting, ambitious, and difficult ever created for musical theater, and personally I have one of the greatest roles in musical theater history as well as one of the greatest show stopping songs.

As far as what I gleaned about this particular production during the read through, the rest of the ensemble is very solid. I feel good about it. And for a cold reading, people found a lot of very nice moments and already I got a sense that the actors were ready and willing to connect and take risks which is great. This gives me a lot of confidence in where we will all end up. You can�t tell a lot from a cold reading�sometimes people start out at a decent level and don�t build on it. And sometimes people start off with little or no connection to what�s going on and build to something visceral and exciting over the course of the rehearsal process. From what I saw tonight, I have a sense that everyone in the show has the potential to hone in on and elbow out into exciting, deep, and nuanced performances. It�s in the details�the fact that people made an effort to make eye contact with the person with whom they were sharing a scene. The fact that people physically touched and gestured in an organic and untheatrical manner. The fact that people were obviously moved by the trajectory of the story. These are all very very good signs.

God, I love the process of putting on a play. Some people hate rehearsals and just wanna get to the goods�opening night�the lights and the audience and the brouhaha. To me, that�s the icing on the cake. I love the process. I love finding a character over months of grueling and emotionally exhausting work. I love taking those risks, reaching out, making the connections. I love theatre. Oh Christ, I am so excited.

And it�s so interesting to me that this show is about exactly the themes that I am exploring in my own life�what romantic relationships are exactly, and why we make the interpersonal connections we make.

And my character is so perfect for that�she�s the most obviously fucked up person in the whole play, but she�s the only one who really understands what love is�she just can�t take that leap, open up, obliterate her own psychical defenses. But she�s the pivotal person, the one who gets the protagonist (Bobby) to see exactly what love is. It�s beautiful. I�m gonna be delving into some heavy fucking shit here. Good. That�s what I want. Oh the psychodrama! I can�t wait!