Monday, Feb. 16, 2004 | 1:59 AM

God that entry was so emo that I just cannot leave it up there. I mean, that was like a throwback entry to my previous life. As Kara�s bf once said, how incredibly whiny and lame and embarrassing.

So anyway, I took an hour or so to sit back and relax and I listened to the Paula Kelley album and oh my God it�s just the greatest most romantic thing I�ve ever heard. I can�t believe that Matt is friends with her and that I�ll get to meet her at some point, because to me she is like the second coming of Brian Wilson and Burt Bacharach and I don�t even know how I�m going to speak in any sort of coherent fashion. I haven�t heard such beautiful perfect song writing and arranging in a long long time. And I remember listening to the Drop 19�s first record in high school and digging it and now it�s like this seminal person is on the outskirts of my musical life. Our band might cover one of her songs. Matt really wants us to play our shit for her too. It�s so exciting! The band is doing super by the way. There are all sorts of possibilities at the moment and I�ll say more when I know the specifics�

So anyway, I sat and listened to that album and I thought things through, and you know�I�m just being stupid. Here�s this boy that came into my life like a gift from God on a bus to Rochester NY. And I have never loved anyone so deeply. It�s such a rewarding relationship in so many ways�we have given each other back our respective love and joy for music. We spur each other on creatively. We communicate at such a deep level. Twelve hours go by just sitting at a kitchen table and it feels like five minutes.

He thinks I�m wonderful and beautiful and amazing and I can�t say enough about him.

But you know what? We are never going to be together �in that way.� It�s just not going to happen, and I am not going to ruin things by trying to get blood from a stone. I�m not going to sit around and wait for him because as he so clearly put it himself, he�s not capable of doing that now�and he wasn�t even referring to me�he was referring to the entire human race (as far as I know he has no idea that I�m crazyabout him, which strikes me as very odd, but as Liz said he�s totally clueless in that arena.) I feel like this is a rerun of something else that happened in my life, and I am getting the chance to make things right. The bottom line is that no matter how much I love him and how much I know he loves me, he can�t give me what I need in the context of a romantic relationship. He�s not capable of it. Why should I be bitter and resentful of someone for simply being who he is? And do I really want to have another long term relationship where at the end I feel exhausted and terrible and like I wasted years for nothing? No, I don�t. I�ve had enough of that horror to last a lifetime, thanks.

What�s confusing is that it is so romantic with him. Cooking together and playing music together and just the way we are with each other is so incredibly beautifully sweetly loving and my whole heart feels like it�s opened up and turned inside out when I am with him�that there�s nothing I want more than for him to be happy, and to help him in any way I can, and I am just feeling such joy in his presence. To me, it just feels like the next level of that, the natural progression, is someone sharing your bed and being your partner. I feel like there�s something that I am not getting about what constitutes a romantic relationship. And I would love it if someone would teach me what it is because I feel like a fucking idiot since you know, I actually was once with someone for almost seven years. I wonder if that relationship fucked me up sobadly or if I was fucked up anyway before it, and I�m guessing it�s a combination of the two.

But anyway�that�s more getting back into emo territory and I don�t want to go there again.

My point was that I don�t want to fuck this up. And I need to accept that this amazing profound ethereal friendship is a friendship and is going to stay that way. I have to kill the hope of it turning into something else because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I don�t strangle that hope, I am going to get so fucking hurt.

And what I need to obviously admit is that you know what? I would like to have a real, loving relationship with someone who can actually give back. I would like to have that. It�s scary to admit that. I know I�ve been sneering at the idea for the past year for obvious reasons. And I know that I have given the litany of why Relationships are for Retards�and I still do think that lots of people just can�t deal with being alone, or don�t know what the fuck else to do with themselves or feel like their lives are otherwise empty and having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is filling that emptiness.

But that�s not where I am right now. I have a full life and I�m following all of my dreams. I�m doing exactly what I want to do and I feel like I�m pretty togetehr and I don�t need someone else to validate me or make me feel good about myself. I�ve proved I can be alone. I�ve had all kinds of sexual experience. I�ve done all that. And I would like to connect with someone on such a total level�and have it be right, and not be used or lied to or cheated on or otherwise hurt. I would like to be with someone who really loves me and who lets me love them. I�d like to be with someone who has all of their shit together and knows what they want. I would like to have that�a balanced, equal relationship with someone I trust. I feel like such a fucking pansy for admitting this�like only dumb characters in Jlia Roberts movies want to be �with� someone else. But you know what? It�s how I feel, and I deserve it, and I'm just going to trust that he or she is out there waiting for me, and when the time is right we will meet.

For now, I have wonderful friends. I have a wonderful band. I have a wonderful play. I have a wonderful life. I have achieved a great deal in such a short period of time and I�ve dealt with a lifetime�s worth of soprrow and I came out of it OK. I am going to enjoy all of this for what it is, and trust that I don�t fully understand the grand scheme of things. It�s all going to work itself out.

But for now, I will get over Matt. I will love him as a friend and get over this romantic nonsense. What�s the point of loving someone who cannot or will not love you back (romantically, that is.)