Monday, Feb. 16, 2004 | 12:08 AM

What exactly is a romantic relationship and what is it based on and how is it any different from being someone�s best friend?

The most �romantic� relationship I ever had was with Ivy. I really miss that. I still don�t really feel like I�ve ever actually had an actual real romantic relationship and despite all the experience I�ve had I feel more and more in the dark about how to define my feelings or how to categorize what someone means to me. This is going to sound so fucking dumb and self pitying and I�m going to read it tomorrow and roll my eyes, but it�s how I�m feeling right now so I�m just going to say it even though it�s bullshit.

I don�t feel like anyone has ever really been in love with me and I don�t feel like anyone ever will be and the only people I�ve ever really loved did not love me back. I feel like I�m destined to have nothing but pain in my romantic life and it�s just the way it is. I feel like I�m going to be chronically broken hearted.

Angus said it�s that I fall for the wrong men (and he was including himself in that group) and he�s right. Emotionally unavailable unavailable unavailable and as lovely and wonderful as they all are, so entirely capable of being astonishingly cold bastards.

And why the fuck am I obsessing about this right now? God I could kick myself. I have EVERYTHING a person could want. I have tons of friends. I have a band. I have a play in which I have the best role. I have a decent job. I have fun all the time. I have sex. Who gives a shit if the person whom I want to go shopping for cookware with doesn�t want to shop for cookware with me? Who cares that I don�t have someone who actually loves me rather than just worshipping me? Who fucking CARES? It�s so goddamned irrelevant.

Why do I feel so angry and depressed right now when I had such a good night last night? I want to be spooned. I want to be held. I want to hold a person who means everything in the world to me and who is seemingly incapable of connecting in that way. Story of my life. God, I feel so sad right now. And I am feeling this stupid clich� and utterly wrongheaded thing that I thought I�d stopped feeling but I guess I haven�t and I�m just going to say it�right now, I feel like all men are assholes. And I�m thinking that I probably had it right when I started getting really into girls last summer. I think maybe I should explore that again more because that was definitely the best relationship I ever had. Men are nothin� but misery.

This sucks.