Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004 | 10:34 AM

Yesterday was a weird day.

First, the good news. I got a call back for Company. YAY!!!

I had dinner with Ivy who is in a new, exclusive relationship and I am really and truly happy for her. He seems like a nice guy and everything. But I also felt sad that she�s not available to me in the same way she was.

God, in certain ways I�m really fucked up. I won�t put all my eggs in one basket. Fear of being hurt. It�s easy to be vulnerable when you�re juggling more than one paramour. If truth be told, despite how I feel about Matt, I haven�t stopped being sexually involved with other people. I won�t get into specifics right here and now, but I�ve kept dallying. Part of this is that is as close as he and I are and as much as I know he thinks I am completely wonderful and that there is a romantic undertone to our friendship, at this point I really doubt that any big Relationship is going to come of it. I don�t think he�s really into me in that way-- which is fine. We have the greatest friendship I have ever experienced. It�s changed my life. I have never felt closer to a single other human being in the world than I have to Matt, and I am so happy that we met and are in each other�s lives. I�m not going to be upset simply because it doesn�t look like he�s going to fuck me. Romantic relationships are overrated anyway compared to friendship.

But here�s the thing�I really think deep down I honestly don�t believe that someone could ever love me with all of their heart the way that I want and need to be loved. I just don�t believe it. And so I won�t fully commit to anyone because I think it�s a big fat waste of time. Why put myself through that bullshit? Why go through the hurt and the heartbreak? But then I wonder if I�m missing out. I am very caring and I give everyone in my life absolutely all that I can, but I won�t put anything on the line really and say �I want to be with you.� I don�t know. This is the dumb central question of my life. And this is a really dumb lame whiny entry. I haven�t had one of those in awhile, so I guess I can allow myself one here and there�they�re like sick days.

Anyway, Saturday afternoon is callbacks and Saturday night I have band practice. Tonight I am having dinner with Matt�s sister Liz and then karaoke. Tomorrow I actually don�t have plans. Sunday I�m seeing Debbie and Josh at night and Hallie for lunch. Things are so good. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the happiest I�ve ever been in my whole life, and that the most miserable I ever was coincided with being in a �Romantic Relationship.� I�m just being stupid and thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It�s not. The other side of the fence is boredom.