Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004 | 10:03 AM

This week has been so fucking intense and it keeps getting more intense. All of these various aspects of my life are coming to turning points at the same time. My past. Work. Theatre. My love life. Some of what�s going on I don�t feel comfortable talking about yet, but it�s all fucking huge and it�s all happening right now and I�m not exaggerating�I feel like my mind is going to explode. I wanted authenticity and fuck�that�s what I�m getting. I wanted bullshit stripped away. Bullshit can be comforting. Bullshit is safe and easy. It greases the wheels. There is very little bullshit left, kids. It�s really exciting and scary as fuck. What do you do when you start getting what you�ve always wanted? I think I can safely say that a year from now my life will be very very different than it is currently. Not that life now is bad�it�s great. I�m at an apex. I am at the top of the hill on the rollercoaster. I�m ready to dive off the diving board into the deep end.

OK�that was cryptic. I can�t talk about it yet. So I�ll talk about love.

Last night, Liz (Matt�s sister) and I went out for Thai, and she oh so casually (but not really at all) mentioned how Matt likes me�as in he �likes me in that way� (yes, I am in junior high school.) And I oh so casually pretended it was no big deal. And she oh so casually referred to us �going out on dates� when I have never referred to us spending time together as going out on a date. I call it hanging out. And then I wonder, am I dating him? Is this what dating is? I don�t know because I have never before had any normal dating relationship. At the age of 19 I fell immediately into an almost seven year intense Who�s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe meets Wuthering Heights scenario which was the antithesis of �dating�. And all of my other romantic relationships have been sort of un-categoizable crazy affairs and whatnot.

So. Here is this boy. And he�s just the sweetest, most adorable, funniest, smartest, most talented person I�ve met in a long long time. And for some reason, he thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Not only does he think that, he tells me that I am. And unlike other people in the past who have liked me so brazenly and fervently, I actually like him back. Usually, my affections are reserved for people who push me away and keep me at arms length in some manner. I am the queen of semi-unrequited love. And this is just so weird�I don�t know what to make of it. And it�s going so slow and easy�no jumping into heavy sexual stuff�it�s so chaste and he�s so shy and cautious and it�s different than anything I�ve ever had. It�s like, beautiful and pure and high minded. Wow.

Tonight we are going to go see The Anti Love Project at TT�s, and then off to karaoke at the Chuck Lounge. I am falling falling falling for him.

Maybe I�m getting to a point where I don�t even want anyone else?

God that�s fucking scary.