Friday, Jan. 16, 2004 | 9:49 PM

So a crazy thing happened to me yesterday. It doesn�t sound that crazy�in fact, because it was so emotionally sane in most people�s universes it might be run of the mill, but for me it was crazy. I�ll get to it in a minute, but first here�s some background.

Yesterday night Matt came over to my apartment. I opened the door and I was looking good (you know how you have a couple of days here and there where for some reason you transcend your looks and become far more attractive than you usually are? That happened to me yesterday.) So his eyes lit up and he was like,

Wow. You look really really great.

As complimentary as he is about me all the time, he�s never commented one way or another on my physical attractiveness. Throughout the evening he told me a couple of more times that I looked great. Very interesting.

Anyway, we went to see his friend�s band (Anti Love Project, who are by the way, really really good) at TT�s, and I got to meet some of his friends including his closest and oldest friend. It was lovely.

After seeing the band play, Matt, his dear friend, and I went to karaoke.

Now, the two of us have never had a talk about what our relationship is, and we�ve never had any real sexual contact or anything. I mean, we�re quite physically affectionate with each other, but I�m a very physical person and I am like that with a lot of people whom I have no intention of fucking around with. So I really haven�t had much of an idea about where we stand�which is fine since I�ve been totally noncommittal over the past year anyway and have learned not to place expectations on anyone or on any relationship. In fact, the only rule I�ve put on myself is that I wouldn�t get involved in a monogamous relationship with anybody. That took so much pressure off me and allowed me to be far more authentic about connecting with other people since I wasn�t trying to force things into any particular box. It taught me so much�it was completely necessary for me to do that. And I�ve had no problem having romantic feelings for several different people at the same time. I have welcomed it as a massive relief after being so intensely involved with one person for so long.

Matt is very slow and cautious romantically and I am not usually, but it�s been really interesting and good for me to have things move atsuch a leisurely pace. However I haven�t stopped fooling around with other people since I�ve met him. That is, until now.

At karaoke last night, it was made very obvious to me that there was someone there who wanted to sleep with me. And it�s someone that I�ve had a big attraction to and haven�t seen in a long time. I totally surprised myself, because it dawned on me�and this is huge�that I had no interest in sleeping with this person even though I am pretty randy right now and still find said person attractive. The reason I don�t want to sleep with that person or with anyone else is that I am falling in a big way for Matt.

It hit me like a ton of bricks and really shocked the shit out of me. It�s not that I feel obligated to not fool around anymore with anyone else, but I simply don�t want to. This is very significant especially in the face of my contempt for monogamy and its conventions. But putting all philosophy aside, I don�t want to be with anyone else because I am so enchanted by Matt and I have allowed him fully into my heart.

This doesn�t mean that I�m all hot to jump into anything�I really want to take this very slow and just see how it develops. I think sex has in the past clouded a lot of issues for me. Every time I�ve liked someone in my entire adult life, I�ve decided it after I�ve slept with them, or at the very least after I�ve known they liked me first. There�s something so easy and non-specific about giving your affections based on the knowledge that the other person already likes you or finds you attractive. You don�t have to put as much on the line.

Well here I am, putting this on the line. I really really like Matt and I can say pretty confidently that I don�t have any desire to fool around anymore with anyone else. It�s terrifying because I still don�t know with any certainty whether he feels similarly towards me at all. I mean, I think he does. But the problem is that because my intuition is often so dead on, I have a tendency to rely on it like it�s the gospel and when I�ve really wanted things in the past, I�ve confused my own desires with what is actually happening. I don�t want to read something into this that isn�t there. It is totally possible that Matt�s feelings for me are utterly platonic. I have no concrete evidence that he�s romantically inclined towards me. When I search my heart, the answer to the question concerning his feelings is that yes he reciprocates. But I could be wrong. Yes, last night we did (briefly) kiss in an open mouthed fashion and yes we did slow dance in a very intense way and yes Liz did casually drop the statement that she overhead Matt saying to someone else that he likes me, but she didn�t say it in some heavy handed way; she didn�t delineate it and maybe I�m making more of it than it is. It sounded to me like she meant that he is into me�that he likes me �IN THAT WAY.� But maybe he was just saying, and she�s just relaying, that he likes me a lot as a person and thinks I'm really cool. I really don�t know. And maybe he considers the kiss that we shared and the slow dancing to be part and parcel of having a good intense friendship. Also, although he was quite acquiescent, I initiated both the kissing and dancing�maybe he�s just going with the flow up to a certain point. Who the fuck knows? I have friendships that have no romantic potential at all, however there is a really romantic element to the friendship itself. So maybe this relationship is that for him.

Also, there are several other issues here. I am leagues ahead of Matt in terms of the sheer breadth and variety of sexual and romantic experience I�ve had. I was with someone for over six years and we lived together and at one time I thought I�d marry him. Prior to that relationship I�d only slept with one other person and during one of our brief breakups I slept with a couple more. But I�d fooled around with a whole bunch of people before I got together with my ex. After breaking up with John, in this past year alone I�ve had more sexual escapades than I can count on all my fingers. I�ve done just about everything you can possibly imagine. I feel like I�ve gotten to know myself sexually in a way that Matt hasn�t. Matt and I are coming from very different places in terms of what we�ve gone through. He�s never been in love before. He�s never had a fully intimate relationship. He�s never dealt with a serious heartbreak. The discrepancy in our histories is pretty scary for me because we are speaking different languages�he may intellectually understand what I�m talking about when I talk about love, but he can�t fully know without having been there. Also he is unlike me in that his romantic and sexual feelings are slow to ignite. It�s possible he hasn�t even formulated how he feels about me or even thought about it one way or the other.

Here�s my dilemma. I don�t want to bring this out in the open and either a) scare him away or b) cause an awkward situation because it might turn out he doesn�t like me in that way and that could affect what we already have which is truly one of the most inspiring friendships I�ve ever been lucky enough to experience. In the short time I�ve known him I feel he has enriched my life in so many ways and every day I find more and more to love about him. What we have is so special and I don�t want a wall to go up based on the fact that I am falling for him and he�s embarrassed or turned off by that. On the other hand, I don�t want to have a situation on my hands where he actually does share my feelings but because he is so not aggressive romantically (he�s told me a number of times that he is never the aggressor), and because I am afraid of fucking things up, we never wind up getting together at all. I don�t want to miss the opportunity of fully realizing the connection it may be possible for us to experience.

So where does this leave me? As I am writing this and trying to figure it all out, I�m coming to a conclusion. I think that the answer is giving it more time. If I�m not 100% sure that being completely open with him about the nature of my feelings is the best way of going about it, it�s probably a sign that I should wait a bit before being so explicit. It�s not like I�m holding back or lying to him; I am being quite forthright about the fact that I adore him�I just haven�t out and out stated that my feelings are of a romantic nature. There is an element of destiny about these things, and I think I have to trust that. We have after all only known each other for a couple of months. I should let it take root in whatever shape it�s going to. I don�t want to force the issue. And I think that for my own sake, I need to be OK with whatever way this works out. And maybe for me that is just continuing to enjoy it for whatever it is. I�ve ruined things before by pushing them so maybe I need to err on the side of being really laid back.

Also (and please excuse the obnoxious feyness of this simile) he is kind of like a delicate fawn and if I want to pet him, I should just wait very nonchalantly and lovingly with my hand open rather than making any sudden moves or chasing him around the yard. That will only scare him off.

In any case, acknowledging that my feelings for him are so specific that I don�t desire romantic or sexual gratification from anybody but him is a huge fucking deal. And that in and of itself is frightening and exhilarating and surprising and just all around a great big fucking deal. He is one of the very best most beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I could sit with him and do nothing for hours and I would still feel like I didn�t waste the day. When he is around, my whole world is a better, brighter, more beautiful place and I am the very best person I can be in his presence and being so is no effort at all. That in and of itself is such a gift. And I truly treasure it.