Saturday, Dec. 27, 2003 | 4:50 AM

Wow.

I was just reading my entries from the beginning of January 2003. I was not a happy girl. I was a cynical sad depressive with a psychic sense of impending doom. And I wrote about how I didn�t feel I could relate to anyone anymore and that my life was like, over.

HA HA HA!!!

I have to remember this because I�m sure at some point again in my life I will feel as lost as I did then, but now I realize that state of despair always precedes an amazing spurt of psychological and spiritual growth for me. I�ve accomplished more in this past year than I have in the decade prior. And unlike that poor sad sonofabitch I was in January 2003, my life is full to the brim with people I adore and who love me and treat me well. I am so fucking happy that I can hardly stand it. I feel like a whole, good person and I am so full of hope for the future.

Tonight I unwittingly was the defacto entertainment at a Christmas party of 100+ people. Seriously, I sooooooo wasn�t in the mood to sing and was kind of forced into it (I�m a fucking ham usually, but I really didn�t feel like being a star this evening�I just wanted to sit on my ass, drink spiked eggnog and nosh on xmas cookies) I kept trying to beg off, but the hostess pleaded with me and wouldn�t take no for an answer. I would have been a total asshole to refuse. Of course, once I got going, I had a blast. I sang Summertime and Ain�t Misbehaven and Jinglebell Rock and New York New York. I�m so not an indie rocker when it comes down to it. I belong in smoky jazz clubs or Radio City Music Hall or fucking� Broadway or dare I say it, motherfucking Vegas during its Sinatra heyday. By the end of my set I wound up with everyone in the palm of my hand and at the close of the evening I picked up the hottest boy there�a student of my former college who is a few years younger than me�I was gone by the time he was a frosh. (I keep running into people who studied there�very weird.) This boy had the loveliest physique and the indie geek style I love, and one hell of a fucking beautiful smile. He kept bringing me glasses of wine while I was singing, and I totally got the vibe from him so I went for it and it was really romantic. I�ve gotten so much more confident and sexually aggressive lately�I think I have Angus to thank for that. He�s made me feel like the most beautiful irresistible woman on the planet, and he still does. I�m not relying on him for my self esteem or anything, but sometimes all it takes is one person who really appreciates you, and who mirrors something wonderful in you for you to recognize your own worth.

Anyway, this boy tonight was one hell of a hottie, and a sweetheart to boot. I love kissing boys. I hope this year brings me many more boys to kiss (and girls, too. I haven�t kissed a girl in awhile. Though Ivy and I have a date set up for when I return to Boston so we�ll see�)

I just finished listening to the mix I made for Matt. I love that fucking kid so much. I just want to hold him and take care of him and watch him blossom because he has touched me so deeply and profoundly. When he left my house today, I almost felt like crying because I�m not going to see him again for a week and a half. We kissed and promised we�d have another marathon hangout session once I get back to Allston on the 4th (he's going back there tomorrow-- I love that we both grew up in Rochester.) 2003 has brought me many many gifts, and Matt is one of the very best.

I wish the very best for everyone this year. We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled and I know so many people with such good hearts and so much talent. I really pray we all come into our own.

Happy holidays, everybody. I hope this night finds you healthy and content.