Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 | 11:30 AM

1) I know this exposes me as a big fucking nerd but I had the most enjoyable day off yesterday and all I did was get high, watch DVD�s, listen to music, and jerk off every hour and a half or so. It was just lovely.

2) Tenacious D makes me cream my jeans. I am seriously fucking in love with both of them and I want to be the mayostard on a JB and KG sandwich. I want to buy the underwear they have that says Backstage Bettie on it. Dio (a fine tribute song to the other Sabath singer) has been going through my head all morning and causing me to burst into giggles at inappropriate moments. I think Tenacious D may gain the same sort of affection from me that Mr. Show has, although only time will tell. You have to work your way into these kind of fandom obsessions. It took me a few months to fall madly in love with Mr. Show to the point where I was obsessively reading every interview I could find with Bob and David, shelling out millions of dollars for any bootleg material remotely associated with either of them, and writing slash about the two of them making sweet sweet love to one another backstage at Conan O�Brien. Kidding. About the interviews, I mean. I don�t actually know how to read. And about the millions. All of my money is tied up in an offshore account. I�m liquid, baby. Liquid.

3) I want to be in a band. I really really REALLY want to be in a band again. How do you find people to be in a band with (besides fucking them?) I don�t want to just dick around in the kitchen with someone and play guitar. I want to have a guitarist and a bassist and a drummer and keys and tubas and monkeys. I want to do something raucous and kind of dirty and overblown. Sort of a Ziggy era David Bowie meets Bikini Kill meets AC/CD if that makes sense, with songs about shit like public service announcements and why Pedialite is the greatest hangover cure of all time�do you know Girl�s Guitar Club? I wanna do something in that vein, but a lot more theatrical. Kind of rock opera-y and shit. I want to have a practice space. I want to rip shit up on stage. I miss it. I miss it a lot. Will you be in a band with me? Fer serious. And no sensitive fucking twee crap. I want shit heavy, you know? I wanna go deaf�not even from the music but from the sheer intensity of the amazing vibes created by our musicality. I want my eyes to be sucked right into the back of my head by the power of the fucking um, power chords. Leave your ivy league degree at the door, sugar. And instead bring your rock chops. And um, some eye liner. �Cause I ran out. And like, you can�t rock hard without really goopy black eyeliner. Just ask Alice Cooper. Or Kiss. Or Siouxsie. Or anyone worth their fucking rock salt on the great highway that is rock �n� roll.