Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003 | 2:01 PM

I have a terrible habit of putting people on pedestals and ascribing to them qualities that they fall short of. And then I wind up hating those people and blaming them for the fact that they aren�t who I thought they were. I�m just not a good judge of character. I am continually disappointed by the people I love and the common denominator in all this is obviously me. I don�t listen closely enough. I don�t probe enough. And then I am always shocked by the outcome, which is inevitably a variation of the same thing over and over. I do myself and everyone I care about a disservice by idealizing people so much. I don�t really know how to go about changing this phenomenon, so what I�ve decided is this�just to not care what the fuck happens. I expect people to do all kinds of fucked up shit and I'll love them anyway and never ask for or expect anything from them. If the reality of the situation is this�that your (hypothetical) boyfriend is gonna marry your best friend, that someone�s going to tell you they�re in love with you and then the next day take it back, that you�ll be lied to about the level of involvement someone your dating has with someone else, etc. etc etc., then why fucking waste any time worrying about it? If you just assume from the get go that this stuff is going to happen, you won�t be hurt when it does, and you�ll appreciate people for the good qualities they do have. Why get upset about how shitty people can be? Humanity is amazing and humanity is a bunch of fucking creeps. Most of the people I�ve ever cared about in my life have had qualities one would prescribe to a saint and also those associated with satan�s henchmen, as do I. The next time someone sits down and tells me in all earnestness about how much they�ve changed, I�m going to pat them on the head and smile and think �whatever�. I�m 26 years old and I am going to have as much fucking fun as I possibly can while I still can. I�m going to fuck whomever I want and do as much as I can with theatre and music. I�m pushing myself to the outer limits of personal experience and I have to realize that part of that is dealing with shit that is very fucking dicey. I can get upset about it and question my own worth, or I can write it off as a waste of time. Fuck the drama. I don�t have any control over anyone else's actions. I like my autonomy and I don�t want it fringed upon. I don�t want to be lulled into a sense of security only to have it ripped out from under me. And I certainly do not want anyone in my life to have so much importance that if he or she were to leave it, I would be devastated. Because EVERYTHING is transient. And if you wind up feeling betrayed or hurt, it�s pretty much your own damned fault for not having the forsight to protect yourself.

And PS�people do not change. Not really. I�m not saying this in a bitter tone of voice, just very matter of factly. If you decide to date someone who�s cheated on his past three girlfriends, you have no right at all to be outraged when he cheats on you. It may be worth it anyway, but you better be fucking damned sure you�ll be able to handle his inevitable straying and not pull the martyr card out of the deck. Don�t listen to what people say-- look at how they've behaved over a long period of time. Love them anyway if you must, but don't expect them to be any different than they have been. Don't wait around for them to "see the light"-- you'll only lose your own soul. Have yourself a good fucking time, challenge yourself creatively, work your ass off at the things you love, and don't cry over spilled milk.