Friday, Oct. 31, 2003 | 10:01 AM

Ok so I�m kind of an idiot. What else is new?

The reason Ivy hasn�t been returning my calls is that she�s in Chicago�something I knew but had forgotten. Almost immediately after writing my last entry I received an incredibly sweet email from her. I�m a fucking dumbass.

God I really miss her. We have this strange almost psychic connection where neither of us has to say anything and we know exactly what the other person is feeling. I care about her so much. And I feel bad that she�s confused about our relationship because I�m definitely not. I try really hard to be respectful of her boundaries, but I can�t resist her when she breaks her own rules. I feel like maybe I should try harder because obviously this is something that she needs to work through and maybe I need to be a better friend by reminding her of what she�s told me she needs. But honestly she�s just so goddamned fucking beautiful (seriously�she�s got the body of Rita Hayworth and this gorgeous thick dark hair and huge dark eyes and the most amazing pouty mouth) and I�m so enamored of her that I can�t help but melt into her arms when she seduces me. I�m really really weak in that regard and I can�t say no to people that I�m so attracted to.

And as far as the Angus/Choreographer thing, well� I was blowing shit way out of proportion as usual. It sucks being this paranoid. I really am constantly on guard against having the rug pulled out from under me. Thankfully, Angus is so generous and caring and knows exactly how to handle me, and does so without any degree of condescension. I am blessed. If anything heals past hurts it�s being understood and treated accordingly.

As much as I don�t want to be, I am such a jealous asshole. I hate it about myself and I know it�s counterproductive and besides, I have no reason to be jealous anymore. It�s almost like a bad habit I just can�t shake�an outmoded defense mechanism. Whether or not I had reason to be suspicious in the past is irrelevant. I don�t have any reason to now. I know Angus so well. We�ve been friends for almost a decade. I know his faults and weaknesses, and I know where our relationship (strange though it may be) stands. I know he�s not going to do anything that would make me look like a fool. I know he�s not going to lie to me. I know he�s not going to hit on all my friends, and I�m being so unfair to him every time I get nervous about something like that. Whenever we get really close and especially when we get physically involved, I project all this shit on him as a way to steel myself against getting hurt. And it�s stupid. Obviously we�re going to hurt each other at some point�you can�t be this intimate with someone and not have that happen. We�re both strong personalities and we both have issues. But I know he�s not going to take me on a fucking ride and convince me that I�m insane and that my feelings are meaningless. I know he�s not going to put me in a position where I look like the village idiot. (I think if there�s one thing that�s a mortal sin in my rules about friendship it�s being made to look like a jackass. I can forgive almost anything but that.) And I can count on him to be straight with me. He doesn�t hide, and that�s something I appreciate.

When I got home from work yesterday he and I had a nice talk and he convinced me to go to karaoke where he paid for all of my drinks and was so kind and solicitous towards me. I was touched. We slow danced at the end of the evening to In My Life by the Beatles, which was very appropriate I think�I love that song because it�s about consciously making a decision to live in the moment. When John Lennon sings,

But of all these friends and lovers there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new

It�s not that he�s saying the new person in his life is better or more loveable than anyone who came before. Rather that each love is unique and if you can just be very present and focused on what you have right now as opposed to what is past, you are truly alive and capable of appreciating love.

Dammit I dig John Lennon.

We got home so late�like 2:45 AM. Neither of us were tired. We watched an episode of The Family Guy and then I realized that I had to wake up in three and a half hours. Angus made desperate attempts to get me to stay up (we�re exactly alike in that way�totally selfish about wanting the people we care about to keep hanging out no matter what) but finally I convinced him that dude, I really did need to go to bed. At the door to his room we kissed goodnight like we were fucking 16 years old. My knees literally started to shake�it was just so sweet. Sometimes I just look at him and I can feel my heart drop. I love him so much.

Then I went to my room and to bed.

Oddly enough I�m not hungover today and I�m in a wonderful mood. I listened to Jeff Buckley on the way to work and I couldn�t stop myself from head bobbing along and grinning like an idiot.

OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! I just got an email�just now, just this second, requesting that I sing at this chichi black tie fundraiser!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! I AM SO PSYCHED!!!!! Something like this never would have happened a year ago. You just have to put yourself out there and meet like-minded people who are creative and driven and then shit just starts to happen. I used to bitch so much about how it was impossible to get anywhere in this town, but that�s a load of crap. You just have to try. Funny how that works.

Oh damn�t�I have to buy an evening gown.

Happy Halloween, lovers.