Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 | 2:19 PM

1) I have Miss Misery in my head today on repeat and it�s making me very sad. I want to have a different song in my head instead.

2) Last night Angus and I got high and watched Indianna Jones and the Last Crusade. I love that movie.

3) I have no idea why I�m feeling so fucking depressed today.

4) It might be because of the dream I had this morning.

5) I walked home from work yesterday and will do so again today

6) When I was in New York City I bought the following reading Material: A biography of Eleanora Duse, a book about Sondheim, and the new Wired magazine because it has a great article written by David Cross as well as groovy pics of him.

7) In four years I�ll be thirty.

8) That�s fucking scary.

9) God I wish I could have my early twenties back. I wasted them.

10) But then again I probably am a damn site wiser for them and I had some fun and I did get to experience certain things that I doubt I�ll ever feel again and it wasn�t all bad so no regrets I guess.

11) I just wish I had actually done something meaningful instead of dicking around wasting my time at idiot jobs and not challenging myself.

12) Well that just means I have to work harder now and not be a jackass.

13) Most of the people I cared about during my early twenties are either not living in Boston any longer or are out of my life pretty much. Relationships are so transient�which isn�t bad or meaningless. They just aren�t as meaningful or fulfilling as I once thought they were supposed to be..

14) Angus and I are watching The Night of the Living Dead Trilogy this weekend.

15) I feel a little sad that Ivy isn�t returning my calls. I mean for fuck�s sake, she�s the one who seduced me last and then pulled the whole I don�t know what I�m doing. I can�t be around you because we always wind up in bed blah blah blah.

16) I don�t think the White Stripes are overrated.

17) I have to admit that I actually felt a little dismayed when I heard about Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke�s marriage. Isn�t that pathetic?

18) Actually, I was really distressed when I heard about Courtney Love overdosing on drugs while her fucking kid was in the house. That woman has been such a disappointment over the past few years. I really loved Pretty On The Inside and Live Through This and I thought she was amazing as Althea in The People Versus Larry Flynt, but since then it�s been all downhill. Bad decisions and too much plastic surgery.

19) I kind of miss my Mom today.

20) Yesterday for some off reason I thought about my ex-staepfather. I remembered that he told me he used to practice stand-up comedy routines in the mirror as a kid and that he always wanted to be a comedian. The guy is such a fucking jerk, but things like that�picturing him telling jokes as a kid with all these dreams and then growing up to be the sorry person he is, that makes me fucking cry my eyes out.

21) I was always afraid I�d grow up and be like him. I don�t know why. I was so afraid of being a failure and of just destroying everything.

22) My acting professor has the sweetest goofiest smile in the whole world.

23) I would really like it if someone just wrapped their arms around me and held me.

24) Oh whatever�that�s such a clich�.

25) I am never going to get married and I doubt I�ll have kids. If I do it would probably be just one.

26) These are the people I need to call today: Sean, my sister, my grandparents.

27) Choreographer has a massive crush on Angus and I hate being around both of them at the same time. That�s why I�m not going to karaoke tonight. It�s not that they flirt that bothers me because it doesn�t. It�s that she has no idea about my relationship with Angus and he�s not telling her about it and I feel really cheap and weird around them at the same time, like I�m supposed to just pretend that we don�t sleep together. He emphatically states he has NO INTEREST IN HER WHATSOEVER and that may be true, but when he�s around her he makes this big point of lavishing her with compliments about how gorgeous and talented she is and he basically ignores me. So he�s either lying to me, leading her on to satisfy his own ego, or trying to make me jealous. Any which way it leaves an awful taste in my mouth and I hate these bullshit things where people don�t say what�s really going on. I have NO TOLERANCE for that at all ever again. I am always floored when pople leave out really pertinent information like that. AND I feel fucking guilty around her because she�s like so into him and she�s talking about how great he is and I�m just sitting there nodding. I don�t want to be like Yeah he�s great and hott. I slept with him last week. He�s not my boyfriend and I don�t want him to be my boyfriend. The thought of having anyone be my boyfriend ever again makes me sick to my stomach. But I feel like she�s not being let in on what�s really happening, and to make things worse, she might come over to hang out with us this weekend. I fucking HATE lying�not that I�m lying but the truth isn�t being revealed. I honestly don�t care whether Angus and choreographer get involved physically and I mean that seriously. But I hate feeling like I don�t exist when I�m around them. For fuck�s sakes, all of my lovers know about each other. I don�t compartmentalize and pretend I�m not involved with Ivy when Angus is around or vice versa. It really pisses me the fuck off when people do that.

28) And here�s another thing I hate. I look like the asshole when towards the end of the night, slightly drunk, I just clam up and don�t say anything because it�s so ridiculous that she�s batting her eyes at him and he�s totally encouraging it but not actually going for it with her. It�s so fucking gay, I hate it. Just thinking about it makes me mad.

29) Why can�t everyone put their damned cards on the table? I always have this habit of being the last to realize things. I�m very foolish and gullible and easily lead to false conclusions and then when I finally get the missing piece of the puzzle it�s like everything that came before is null and void. Does that make sense?

30) The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which was written by Charlie Kaufman and co-stars David Cross is about people who undergo a procedure that erases painful memories of bad relationships. Wouldn�t that be perfect? I wish this were possible.

31) Actually I don�t. Because the good memories would be erased too and also, without the benefit of remembering a significant learning experience you�d probably just do the same shit over and over again.

32) Most people do that anyway though. Most people have the same relationship again and again. I think it takes making conscious choices not to.

33) I�m constantly checking in with myself as to whether I�m being delusional or not.

34) I�ve never eaten Spam

35) I have eaten escargot.

36) It sucked.

37) God I miss France. I really want to go to Paris.

38) I think I should go to Europe alone at some point. I think it would be good for me.

39) I just went outside for a cigarette and oddly enough I am feeling a tad less melancholy.

40) I think I either tend to overreact or underreact.

41) I want to buy a new dress

42) I miss those hair ribbons that were big and soft and made of twisted yarn. Why don�t they sell those anymore?

43) Overralls are not flattering to 99.9% of the population.

44) My roommate Lynn looks good in overalls though.

45) Lynn is one of the nicest people I have ever met.

46) Lynn bought a new coat. It�s white and it�s sooo pretty. I could not ever get away with wearing a white coat.

47) Unless I was a doctor.

48) Which I�m not.

49) But I play one on TV

50) Just kidding.