Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 | 10:37 AM

Wow. It�s funny how things sort of fall into place once you make concrete choices. After yesterday�s entry, I did a lot of thinking and came to come conclusions about what steps I need to take in order to get to where I want to be (which is acting full time.) After outlining a plan, the day took a strange and lovely turn.

Firstly, I had written a fan letter to Michael Bleiden, the writer and star of Melvin Goes to Dinner (directed of course by the Great Bob Odenkirk who is the McCartney to David Cross�s Lennon in the comedy team that is Mr. Show.) And lo and behold, Michael Bleiden actually wrote me back. And it wasn�t some bullshit response�it was really encouraging and inspiring and personal and it absolutely made my day.

(If you haven�t seen Melvin Goes To dinner, SEE THE FUCKING THING. It�s outstanding. It�s probably not playing at a theatre near you, but it is coming out on DVD in December, and I urge you to support it for several reasons�the least of which being it�s a goddamned travesty that a movie this good couldn�t get wide distribution. I won�t get up on my high horse and start screaming about how fucking pathetic it is that Ahnold Schwartzengovman�s blow up jamborees are muscled into public consciousness but Melvin Goes To Dinner gets stuck playing the festival circuit�I myself saw it on a big screen TV at the Coolidge Corner Theatre where it played for like a week. Shame on the entertainment industry. SHAME!!!)

And then of course I had acting class last night.

It was definitely the best most challenging class yet. At the beginning of every class prior to actually working scenes, my professor talks for about a half an hour. Yesterday, he told us we should find three �things� that blow our mind�things that create a totally visceral response from us �akin to falling in love��the �things� can really be anything�a song, a painting, an actor, a writer, a piece of architecture�even a theory or philosophy or physics problem. And then we should take each �thing� we�ve chosen and break it down to its mechanical components in order to find out what it is exactly that excites us so much about it, and pragmatically how we can incorporate that into our own work. For instance, one of my professor�s examples was Frank Zappa�he said he was just in awe and adoration of him, and after thinking about it for awhile, he realized that one of the aspects of Zappa�s music that was so exciting to him was the numerous change ups within any given song and the lightning speed with which those change ups occurred. He realized that in his own work he would need to constantly have things moving and changing within a scene�that there would need to be sudden shifts and surprises at every turn in order for him to be satisfied as a director.

I thought that was such a brilliant question to pose to us. I�m going to be thinking about it a lot over the next few days.

After the talk, Blondie and I performed our scene again, and it just didn�t work. I don�t know exactly what happened but it flatlined. It�s the worst feeling in the world when that happens�it feels like you�re moving through quicksand. I have never once performed that scene before and not been moved to cry. And for the first time, it didn�t happen yesterday. We just didn�t connect.

My professor was very astute and basically told as much. However, he then proceeded to make a few minor adjustments and suddenly the scene popped. He told me that I�m the kind of actor who gets bored without a really intense high stakes objective and that I should work to attain that level of intensity and discomfort. After he talked Blondie and I through a few points, the scene became very tense and weird and all of this subtext came to light. It made me feel very very uncomfortable because it was so real-- and I think that�s my benchmark. I wish we could have spent more time on it though. It sucks that class isn�t longer. I wish it was every day.

After class, Assistant Professor (I don�t think I�ve talked about him before) pulled me aside and talked to me. I wound up hanging out with him for two hours. Now this guy fucking knows his shit. Assistant Professor has worked with DeNiro and Alec Baldwin and David Mamet and a bunch of other very talented people. And he likes me and thinks I�m good. He told me that I have a lot of presence and strength and that I really �drive the bus.� So I picked his brain and asked a million questions about every aspect of acting�technique, how to get roles, dealing with casting agencies, etc. He was so nice and generous. I apologized a couple of times and asked him if I was detaining him and he said no of course not, he loves talking about acting and that I have �great chops and might go somewhere� and that he was enjoying himself.

I could have stayed and talked to him for several more hours and hopefully I�ll get to again. I have so little experience. Besides two acting classes at Emerson eight years ago and the class I�m taking now, I am entirely self-taught. I feel like a country bumpkin most of the time and I don�t know anything about the business. When I tried out for Cabaret, I walked into a room with all these lithe beautiful girls in leotards holding resumes and professional head shots. I had showed up in chuck taylors and ripped tights and my �Number 1 Volley Ball League� tee shirt sans resume, sans head shot, and sans a single stage or screen credit for the past decade. I almost turned right around and walked out the door. (Luckily I didn�t.) I still marvel at having strolled away with one of the greatest roles in musical theatre history. It was truly an honor and a tremendous stroke of luck.

There�s such a massive learning curve I need to catch up on, and I�m so glad to have these amazing people as resources who are cool enough to want to help me.

It�s so funny. Whatever it is, it�s so close. I can sense it and I don�t know how or what or when but I�m getting nearer and nearer to it. I feel like fate just keeps sending me along towards the center of exactly where I need to be. As long as I work hard and don�t get caught up in all the trappings and bullshit. I gotta keep my nose to the grindstone.