Monday, Oct. 20, 2003 | 9:45 AM

I don�t even know what the hell to talk about right now and what to share about what�s happened. I feel absolutely fucking perfect and I wouldn�t change a goddamned thing. I am completely satisfied with my life at this moment, and have been for the past few days. It�s just fucking GREAT.

It started Friday night when I decided to thaw and Angus and I went to see Bubba Hotep at the Kendal (great fucking movie�well actually no. It�s a decent movie but Bruce Campbell gives one of the best performances I have ever seen in it. It�s worth the price of admission just for that) and we had dinner at the Kendal Caf�. We cabbed home afterwards and drank some wine and talked and of course eventually we got on the subject of the threesome and it turned out that I�m kind of an idiot and had misinterpreted something that happened (what a shock.)

And then�well, then some really amazing stuff happened and my mind was blown. And I�m not going to go into it any more than that. But it definitely ranks as one of the greatest nights I�ve ever had.

Angus fell asleep around 7AM and I stayed up listening to music and writing and ruminating and such until about noon. Then I joined him in bed and we snuggled for several hours. We both woke up around 3PM and watched some Mr. Show. Then he went to rehearsal and I did some work on my acting class scene. Later in the day I picked up some pretty high grade grass and visited with a dear friend and her boyfriend for awhile. And then home to get ridiculously high and watch more Mr. Show and Run Ronnie Run.

Hung out with Angus some Saturday night but mostly wanted to be alone and just think about everything that�s going on, and I did that all Sunday too. I feel kind of bad because Angus kept trying to draw me out of my room, but I am finding that it�s really important for me to have significant alone time, especially after something really huge happens in my life, so that I can process and deal and not be absorbed by someone else.

I�m not really sure what all this means or if it means anything. When I think of the word �Girlfriend� I start feeling very freaked out. I don�t think I�ve been a very good Girlfriend in the past�in fact I know I haven�t been, and I don�t know if I have the capacity at this point in my life to be one. I don�t want to hurt anyone. And I don�t feel ready to make a commitment to anyone. I know I�ve been single for a decent amount of time now, but it still doesn�t feel quite long enough. I mean I was with someone for SIX years and it just feels like I need more alone time to find out about me before I start getting all up in someone else�s shit. Plus I have so little respect for serial monogamists and I don�t want to be one�you know� people that end a huge relationship and then jump right into another one within a couple months �cause they don�t know how to be alone or what to do with their lives. And also I have all these goals and stuff I want to accomplish and I�m so scared that I won�t be able to do that if I�m with someone else. Although maybe that assumption is just based on the past. Just because I gave everything up before doesn�t mean I have to now. Can I have a relationship and have it take a back seat to my other ambitions? Why the fuck not?

This is all speculation anyway. Things will evolve naturally as they are meant to. I�ll just have to wait and see and that�s fine. I�m in no hurry. I don�t feel insecure in the least. I feel like I have total control over the situation�not over him but over my feelings and my actions. How god damned nice is that�to not feel at the mercy of what somebody else wants?

It is really really nice though to have someone want you so much and to want them so much and to just be with them and let yourself go and to experience something so fucking hott and immediate and passionate and sexy and loving. Wow. That was a gift.