Monday, Oct. 20, 2003 | 3:02 PM

I�ve been a fan all of my life. A big geeky ridiculous fan since I was four years old. I love being a fan almost as much as I love performing. The relationship between fan and artist/performer is very special. I treasure it even more so the older I get, now that it seems like there is nothing new under the sun.

There�s a lot of movies and books and music I like, but very little that inspires total devotion. Fandom exists in tiers.

I am going to list in consecutive order my First Tier Fandom List. This is the hard core LOVE list pared down to its essentials. The criteria for something to be on this list is very strict and as follows:

1) I have to have had a significant period of time during which I listened to/watched it almost every day without getting sick of it, and in fact got more and more out of it the more I listened/watched

2) It had to make me see the world in a new way or suggest creative possibilities to me that as of yet hadn�t occurred.

3) It had to inspire the kind of longings where I might be off somewhere�say at work or a party and suddenly felt the urge to immediately leave and watch/listen to it. And this had to happen several times.

4) I had to have talked about it so much that I visibly annoyed other people.

5) There must have been several conversations with friends about and the entire focus of these conversations consisted of quoting lines from songs/movies/skits et., and in between these quotes saying �Yeah that was fucking brilliant. What about�.�

6) It has to have been so important to me that if someone I just met mentioned not liking it I would probably write that person off as not a suitable friend.

7) Going along with the above�if someone said something bad about it, I would take that response as a personal affront to me and all I hold dear.

8) I never disowned it.

So you see, there are tons of things I like and even love that don�t make the list for various reasons. Without further ado, here�s the list.

1) Superman: The Movie and Superman II. This obsession began at age four and has continued in a less intense manner up to the present.

2) The Star Wars Trilogy. Beginning at age 5. I still have the love but not quite in the same way.

3) The Beatles. Especially John Lennon. From age ten and on.

4) The Simpsons. Age 13 and on though I could give a shit about most of what�s happened in the past three or four years. have been obsessively watching season 1 and 2 lately�

5) Monty Python. Age fourteen and on. Waxes and wanes but always comes back full blown.

6) Kurt Cobain/Nirvana. Age Fourteen and on.

7) Sebadoh. Age 15 on.

8) Steven Sondheim. Age 15 and on

9) The Velvets. Age 17 and on

10) Robyn Hitchcock. Age 19 and on.

11) Aimee Mann: age 22 and on

12) Lester Bangs. Age 22 and on.

13) Donnie Darko. Age 25 and on.

14) Mr. Show With Bob and David�especially David. Age 26.

So, post your own lists in my guestbook, will you? I�d be interested. And you have to follow the predetermined guidelines. And don�t lie to make yourself look cool. Most of the real Hipster stuff is NEVER on anyone�s First Tier List. So don�t tell me that fucking U.S. maple or anything equally obtuse inspires a Heathcliff like obsession in your heart and loins, �kay?

Re #14, my latest Fandom Obsession:

I am in love with David Cross. As much as you can be in love with someone you have not met, I am in love with him. In every interview I read he demonstrates his commanding brilliance and wit. He is hilarious and snotty and good hearted and mean spirited and geeky and hott and everything I want in a man. Seriously. David Cross is perfection. He loves indie rock and Samuel Barber�s adagio for strings. He loves Jonathon Swift and Mark Twain and Monty Python. He can sing. He is a comedy genius. His politics are outstanding. He clearly doesn�t give a shit what anyone else thinks. He is completely perverse and provocative. He is wiry and bald and wears thick glasses and the coolest T-shirts a person could ever own. And he moves really well. My heart hasn�t beat this hard for anyone �famous� since I fell in love with John Lennon. And I bet you a million dollars that David Cross is a God in the sack.

Now, I have a favor to ask. David is going to be hosting a new MTV2 special about director Spike Jonze and I don�t have cable anymore. It is on during the following times:

All times are EASTERN, on MTV2:

MONDAY 10/20 @ 8PM -

LATE NIGHT MONDAY�10/20 @ 3:30AM -

TUESDAY 10/21 @ 7:30AM -

WEDNESDAY 10/22 @ 1:30PM -

WEDNESDAY 10/22 @ 8PM� -

LATE NIGHT WEDNESDAY 10/22 @ 3AM -

THURSDAY 10/23 @ 1PM -

THURSDAY 10/23 @ 1:30PM -

THURSDAY 10/23 @ 8PM -

LATE NIGHT THURSDAY 10/23 @ 3AM -

FRIDAY 10/24 @ 7:30AM -

FRIDAY 10/24 @ 8AM -

FRIDAY 10/24 @ 9AM -

SATURDAY 10/25 @ 2PM -

SATURDAY 10/25 @ 2:30PM -

SATURDAY 10/25 @ 3PM -

SUNDAY 10/26 @ 11PM -

SUNDAY 10/26 @ 11:30PM -

LATE NIGHT SUNDAY 10/26 @ MIDNIGHT -

If there is any good hearted human being out there with cable who would tape it for me and send me the tape, I�d be happy to pay for the cost of the tape itself and the price of postage also. Please email me if you wanna be a good Samaritan and feed my David Cross addiction.

In other David Cross related news, today I bought bootleg copies of Mr. Show season 4 and a 4 volume set of all things Bob and David including their appearances at the Comedy Arts Festival, Conan and Letterman Stuff, HBO comedy specials, Politically Incorrect, The Daily Show, etc. And I also got the entire series run of The State. All of these things are being Priority Mailed to me. Within several days I will be in irreverent sketch comedy heaven.

I have become a big fucking nerd. Don�t care though. I am happy.

Dear God, I am so excited I can�t think straight.

You know, Chrissy Hynde had a gigantic crush on Ray Davies as a teenage fan. And then she grew up and she got famous and married him. Courtney Love was obsessed while in her early twenties with REM. She�s now a good friend of Michael Stipe�s. You just never know�

(P.S.�no, I won�t become David Cross�s stalker. It doesn�t pay well enough and the hours are bad.)