Monday, Oct. 06, 2003 | 11:01 AM

OK. I don�t even know exactly what to write about this weekend and I don�t think I can get into too many specifics. But suffice to say, it was the weirdest, most fucked up, most surreal two day period I have ever experienced. You know when you�re just watching shit happen and you literally cannot believe your eyes? And people say things to you and you just have no idea how to respond except stare at them dumbly with a smile glued to your face? I don�t know whether I should be flattered or absolutely fucking weirded out. I never thought I would ever be in a position where I would watch two of my romantic interests get into a knock down drag out fight over me, but it�s happened. And I have no idea how to deal with it. One of them has bruises all over and the other has bite marks. Ummmm�

And you know what? I still didn�t get laid. OK�how lame is it that I am in the center of this situation where two people want me but they�re both such fucking whackos that rather than do something fun like say, have a threesome or whatever, they get into an out and out brawl. WHAT THE FUCK? HELLO! I want both of you. Let�s do something about it. No�they�d rather be idiots and get into a wrestling match and deal with their sexual desires like total cretins.

And is there some sick part of me that finds this incredibly amusing? Well of course there is.

But I still wish I was getting laid. Jesus the two of them are having more physical contact punching and kicking each other than I am having with either of them.

In other news, I am officially in love with David Cross. I mean, I am fucking obsessed with him. Not only his he one half of the fabulous Mr. Show (dude�when is season 4 going to released?) his stand up album is the funniest shit I have heard in a long while�especially the second disc. AND it�s on the Subpop label to boot.

Lsten and learn, people. David Cross is the best we got.