Friday, Oct. 03, 2003 | 11:25 AM

I really and truly don't know why, but there's a part of me that has this fantasy that I'll just one day get up, take all my money, leave the state, and go drink myself to death. For as long as it takes. Just drink and drink and be in a habitual state of complete fantasy and denial, until the day that I die in some hotel room. Sometime no matter how good things are, it's just so much fucking effort to be conscious, you know? And I have this overwhelming feeling at points that none of this is worth anything. It's the kind of feeling where I just want to claw my own eyes out.

Ah well. I'll feel better later.