Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003 | 11:38 AM

Yesterday was my acting class and I think I am falling for my teacher. How predictable is that? He's brilliant and accomplished and funny and I feel like a moron around him.

We got assigned our first scene partners and I get to work with someone very good so I'm happy. She and I are getting together tonight for a few hours. I've been trying all morning to find a good scene between two women (we can do anything-- plays, movie scripts, whatever) and I can only come up with a couple. Fucking sucks.

I've been feeling really insecure and bad about myself over the past week and I don't like it. I need to stop worrying what someone else's intentions are or what they think of me blah blah blah. See, this is why I am so not made for relationships. Immediately I am at the mercy of someone else's needs and desires and I just bend in all these crazy ways. It's nobody's fault but mine. I need to learn how to be more steadfast and grounded. Having this degree of intuition is a fucking blessing and a curse. I can like, poke around in other people's energy fields and know what's going on, what they're thinking, feeling, needing and act accordingly. I am probably the most manipulative person on the planet. It's second nature. And so I'm not being authentic. Which is why I can safely say that nobody I've ever been "close" to really knows what's going on with me. Even though I'm "baring my soul" etc. I'm just too chameleon like. I can take on any point of view, any feeling. I'm like water. I can pour into any shape with amazing fluidity. Which is why I can get along perfectly well in a room full of yuppies, a room full of bums, a room full of rockstars, and a room full of doctors. It's all theatre to me.

I have a terrible feeling that I am far better as an actress than I am as a human being. And I don't know that I will ever be capable of having a "normal" relationship with anyone. I am too good at being whatever I need to be at any given time. It started as a survival mechanism and became a way of life.

I am always the person who fits into the indefinable "Other" category in the lives of people I love. It's good I guess, and bad I guess.

Oh whatever. I'm gonna go do laundry.