Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003 | 1:20 PM

What do you do when you "accidentally" (more or less) come across something that was written about you but not for your eyes? You should probably stop reading if you have respect for someone else's privacy.

But if you're me and have my insatiable curiosity, you don't.

(I have no morals)

And then what if what you read is one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said about you? Beautiful not in that hearts and flowers fake-o way, but an honest assesment of who you are and what you mean to someone else.

How can I pretend I haven't read that? How can I not look at you with a dumb goofy grin so wide it almost splits my mouth in half? How can I not throw my arms around you and kiss your earlobes? How can I not just love you and love you and love you for everything you have meant to me and will ever mean?

And how can I not be so fucking sad that you can't see your goddamned way clear to doing anything about this? Are we going to be in this netherland forever? Are you going to spend the rest of your life being afraid of what might happen if you take some decisive action, take that step and see where the path leads? Are you going to hold me close and then push me away forever and ever? I was thinking it had something to do with me. Right up until this moment I was wondering what I might be doing wrong that one day you love me so much and the next I don't exist? And now I really know it doesn't have much to do with me. After reading that, I know it's you.

So what if all your other relationships burnt to the ground? I'm not those girls. We have known each other for a decade. We have been friends and lovers and coworkers and pals and adversaries and everything else under the sun. You need to redefine what the term "relationship" means. I guess I do too.

I just want to love you the way you professed in that beautiful fucking piece to loving me. And I wish you would let yourself feel that way without all this other bullshit coming into it. Because I can't wait around for you forever to realize that I am worth leaping off that particlaur cliff. I'm here. I want you to be happy. I love you.