Saturday, Aug. 30, 2003 | 11:39 AM

We talked for eight hours straight last night. God I love talking to him so much. We talk and talk and talk and don�t get around to actually doing anything most of the time, because there�s always so much to say.

We talked about expectations and rules in relationships and friendships, and how rules are meaningless unless they are self imposed out of true desire. For instance, the thing that I�d been paranoid about happening that didn�t actually happen�and not because it would have been against the rules�there are no rules between us. But it didn�t happen and wouldn�t happen because he loves me and having that thing happen wasn�t as important as our relationship. And he knew that it would have been crossing a line, that even though it technically wouldn�t have been unethical, it would have dishonored our friendship. And that if something like that were to happen in the future, he would talk to me about it first and we would work through it.

Behavior says everything about where your friendship/relationship is. Anybody can say I love you or You�re beautiful. And anyone can buy nice presents or take you out for nice dinners or stare into your eyes like a mooing cow. But it�s the grotty stuff where you can really see what you mean to someone. If they stand by you when you�re at your worst. If they stand up for you when you�ve been kicked. If they�re honest with you no matter what. If they won�t give up on you. If you know that they have your fucking back, that you can count on them to be there for you and you can count on their word. That�s what real love is. What real friendship is. And that�s something you have to see over time. The other stuff is just window dressing. Don�t get me wrong�I love romance as much as the next guy. But in and of itself it�s absolutely meaningless.

The two of us have known each other for almost a decade now. And I am becoming sure more and more that he really really loves me and I really really really love him. I have these moments of terror and all these little tests come up and he�s always right there�stalwart and sincere and doing and saying exactly the right thing. Being honest and being careful and just loving me, and I can�t believe it. It�s mind blowing. I keep holding my breath for the big fucking hurt�the big smack in the face, and it never comes. He doesn�t baby me. He doesn�t condescend to me. He doesn�t lie to me. He takes me seriously and treats me with love and compassion but he challenges me too. He doesn�t let me get away with anything. It�s the most affirming thing I�ve ever had with another person. And to think that we almost lost each other because we were both so blind and stupid. Thank God we worked through things.

Jesus Christ I love him so much.