Friday, Aug. 22, 2003 | 11:46 AM

So last night�s karaoke experience was one for the history books. Which doesn�t mean it was THE BEST�far from it. It was just particularly weird.

It started off well. �Had a couple free drinks and sang Crazy, which if I may say so, I did particularly well, even for me.

Jeremy and Derk were there and the three of us schmoozed and traded bon mots. It was good to see them.

Now, because I have been so broke, I basically haven�t really been eating for the past week or so�a couple eggs a day, the occasional protein bar�that�s pretty much it. And so I really didn�t pace myself drink wise. Usually it takes me a good nine or ten cocktails to be hammered, but yesterday just four did me in.

I was soooooooooo drunk and I did not feel good .

Coupled with that, Mr. Wonderful was there and he performed a Marvin Gaye song. I think it was probably just the booze, but I had the most intense longing for him watching him up there�I don�t mean sexually. I mean purely romantic, like running through fields of heather and exchanging valentines kinda longing. I was longing for him so much that it really started to make me feel sick to my heart and I almost wanted to cry. How retarded is that? Afterwards I ignored him until he left because I had instantaneously re-developed the biggest most horrible crush on him and I just couldn�t even look at him. Why is it that sometimes the symptoms of desire and repulsion are one in the same?

Then, I was out smoking a cigarette with Director and she casually mentioned that she wanted to cast the part I am dying for in Six Degrees of Separation according to actual age, which would be early-mid forties. And that she is now actively seeking out actresses of that age to play the role. (she wants to cast every role age appropriate)

My face fell.

Now, just because she said that doesn�t mean it�s definite. I�m sure she said that with Cabaret too. Hell, I played 50 in Cabaret, and if I do say so I was very very good.

It just sucks so bad to want something so so so much. I am dying to play this part. I want it like crazy. I live sleep eat and breathe it. I read the play at least three times a week. I read it alone to myself in my apartment. I set up the stage and act it out, and I get so involved in it and it comes so easily to me. I adore this character and her voice is in me, if that makes sense. There are some roles that are so different from who you are on the outside, but they are buried in you and you can bring them right out of yourself spontaneously and without any effort. And Ouisa Kittredge is that for me.

Last year when I auditioned I didn�t know anyone and had no expectations. I hadn�t allowed myself to want anything in terms of theatre in so long. Getting sucha great role was a complete and total shock. Now, the situation is totally different.

So then after I talked to Director I started to feel really sick. I started to worry and think about losing the part and how much I want it and what will happen if I don�t get it. (obviously I didn�t say anything to her about it)

I went and sat alone and the combination of the four cocktails and the lack of food and falling suddenly in love again with Mr. Wonderful and the possible loss of the a most coveted role caused my hands to start shaking and then a wave of nausea flooded over me.

I went to the bathroom and threw up.

Then I went home.

I�m trying hard to be zen and logical about this, but I am finding it so difficult. God I want this part. It's driving me fucking crazy.