Thursday, Aug. 21, 2003 | 11:19 AM

OK�this is going to come across as being inordinately paranoid, but if you are someone I know and you are reading this diary and I don�t know that you�re reading it, would you just come out and tell me? Just email me or sign the guestbook. It�s not that I am nervous about anything I�ve written�I don�t think I�ve said anything unkind for a long long time, but I have been pretty vulnerable in here of late, and if you�re reading it I would just appreciate you giving me a head�s up. I�m certainly not embarrassed about anything I write here�not anymore, anyway. And It�s not as though I have a Jekyl and Hyde disorder where I�m living a life online that is totally different from my real life.

But it�s kind of like singing your heart out while someone is standing at the door watching you and you don�t know that person is there. It catches you off guard. I don�t mind that anyone I know and love is reading this, but just please tell me, OK? It wouldn�t make a difference one way or another in terms of what I write because as self-protective as I am in some ways, I also compulsively wear my heart on my sleeve�so there aren�t any big revelations in here�no big secrets. Plus this is all ending soon enough.

Part of me finds voyeurism fascinating, and part of me finds it uncomfortable. If I know you and you read this, especially if you are someone I love deeply, then tell me what you think and feel about it. Let�s have some dialogue. If this is good for anything, it�s that.

I�ve been trying to make an effort to show people how much I love them lately. Sometimes I just assume people know. Or I get wrapped up in my own bullshit and so I take them for granted and don�t let them know how much they mean to me. You can never express your love to someone else too much if you really mean it, and aren�t just attempting to curry favor or assuage your own insecurities. And there is really no better feeling in the world than loving. Even being loved by someone else doesn�t quite do it. Having the ability to appreciate someone else for who that person is, with all their virtues and vulnerabilities brings us all closer to God.

So anyway, I sent my Mom an antique blue willow tea set that I knew she�d love. And I made my Godmother a mix CD of jazz standards. I sent my little-est sister an e card and told her how smart and funny and adorable she is. I called my Grandmother from work and spent half an hour chatting with her about politics. I�m going to try to remind myself to do something loving for someone else once a day�part of it being for selfish reasons. It makes me feel good, better, more relaxed, and more confident. And it helps get me out of my own head.

In other news, I woke up this morning with a nose bleed. My nose bled and bled and it wouldn�t stop bleeding and it was scary because it was like, spurting blood�it was pouring out of my nose. Tissues would get soaked through in thirty seconds so I started using socks. And then I started coughing up blood. This made makes me really nervous. It is no fun to sit and hold your nose for several hours. I�ve been thinking about death a lot lately simply because many people who are close to me have lost someone they love recently. I�ve been thinking about all the people I�ve lost to mortality and then I think someday I will be lost to mortality and if I�m bleeding out my airways right now maybe it will be sooner than later. And there�s just so much I want to do.

Ach. I�m being over dramatic. It�s probably just the weather.