Saturday, Aug. 23, 2003 | 12:48 PM

This is such a strange time in my life. I have no idea what�s going on or what the future will bring. Most of my important relationships are very much up in the air in terms of what exactly they are, many people I know and care for are leaving the area (Alamada just moved to Brooklyn and is urging me to follow follow follow follow, which I most likely will within the next year.)

I�ve been spending so much time alone. Just letting everything wash over me. I know that this year will be momentous�I don�t know exactly how, but it�s going to be. I feel like I�m in the middle of the ocean and a big wave is rising up under me and I have no choice except to just go with it�whatever happens. Last year was like that too, except I hadn�t yet learned to fully surrender and so I kept trying to control it which was not helpful.

I�m scared.

Last night I did nothing but read and watch the thunder storm and go over Sx Degrees again. Ivy called me around midnight and we had a good talk. She is so lovely.

With Six Degrees, all I can do is go in there and be the best most prepared I possibly can be and wow them. And my goal is no longer to get the part, but to give a fucking fantastic audition. Because no one can take that away from me.