Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003 | 12:50 PM

I�ve begun packing and seriously getting rid of things. Yesterday I junked my futon and a whole bunch of chochkies. I am attempting to be as ruthlessly unsentimental as possible. It�s been kind of sad�I busted up crying yesterday. Simple objects can have such emotional resonance, which is all the more reason to get rid of them if those emotions are painful. Why is it so hard to let go of something that is painful, that just hurts? You�d think it would be easy but it�s not. It�s hard to wash that awful rotten taste out of your mouth (metaphorically speaking.) Something simple like a gold foil tree and two little Chinese figurines and what they represent can still make me sick to my stomach.

Letting go of the past is something I am trying to get the hang of. Because there�s only so much room, you know? Physically and psychically. And I want to have space for new emotions and new experiences in my life.

It was a lot easier when I was kid. There was a prescribed chain of events. You went from elementary to middle school to high school to college, and doing so you naturally let go of what came before. In high school you didn�t look back on middle school with a degree of sad confusion over what happened and why you were no longer there. Of course you were no longer there-- it had simply been time to move from one level to the next. But now, when you�re 26 you have to make it up as you go along. And there�s a lot of pain and confusion over how you got from one place to the other and the things that were lost (or exploded) along the way.

At my best most clear headed, I see everything in an archetypal context, and I can be extremely philosophical and compassionate. At my worst, I am very very angry. What is there to be angry about? I am struck again and again on a daily basis by how wonderful my life is, how blessed an lucky I am. I am much more in touch with the benevolence of the world around me. And I am very certain that things happen for a reason. I know the crucial role that some of the most hurtful traumatizing events have played in pushing me from the space I used to be in, to where I am right now. And I should feel grateful that those things happened because I wouldn�t change anything about my life right now (well OK, more money and a svelte figure would be nice.) I truly am grateful and happy.

Maybe it�s just a process. I need to let myself be open to whatever happens organically.

I am scared. I am scared that I�m making a bad decision. I don�t think I am but you never can tell. I feel really good about this and I�m looking forward to it a lot, but that�s the thing that sucks about making big choices. What if the choice you make turns out to wreak havoc on your life? This especially applies to me because I always make very radical risky choices, some of which pay off amazingly well, and some of which wind up hurting like the dickens. But as I write this I have to remind myself that even at their most painful and disaster inducing, every choice I�ve made has enriched me as a person and has given me an opportunity to learn a lot more about myself. I�ve never been one to shy away from pain and heartache if I thought I might get something good out of it in the long run.