Thursday, Aug. 14, 2003 | 9:39 AM

I really love clothing and fashion. Not in a stupid way either�not in the �Oh I want to wear what everyone is wearing� kind of way. I like it as an art form, and I always admire people who pull off a look really well�Buddy, for example is someone who�s fashion sense I think highly of, as is Emily (aka Suki.)

It is hard to be my size and love fashion, 1) because the clothing industry does not cater to people who aren�t thin (although to be fair they are doing so more and more) and 2) because much of what I like would look preposterous on me.

If I could I�d have 1,000 different looks. I�d like to own Jackie Kennedy style Chanel suits (not in pink of course) and little plaid kilts with knee socks and sheer white button down blouses. I�d like to wear halter style long Pucci dresses with big owly sun glasses. Or faded hip hugger jeans with vintage peasant blouses. I love short flared sundresses with ribbed bodices in bright cheery colors (orange or yellow) complimented with lace up sandals. And I�d love to be able to wear a little black backless dress and high heeled maryjanes. Oh, and I�d like to wear a leather skirt and a tight Ramones T shirt and ripped fishnets and bright red pumas. And one more thing�I�d like to waer a tailored men�s suit with winkle picker shoes and a loose skinny tie.

Sadly, all of these outfits would look totes rididuloso on me.

I see fashion as a grand form of costuming�playing dress up, like an extension of being onstage.

Sadly, the only look I can pull off really well that fits in with my aesthetic philosophy is the renaissance-y/gothic look�you know, long flowing dresses with cinched waists and bell sleeves�that sort of thing. Witchy Goddessy stuff. And that does express an element of who I am, but it�s only a fragment. And it�s frustrating to feel so hemmed in. I feel like if people find me attractive, it�s that element they are responding to�the Earth Mama Moon Godess element (I had a big discussion with Joe about this) and it�s just very restricting to only be that side of myself when I feel like there�s so much more I�d love to express and can�t without making a huge fool of myself.

Maybe I�m talking about something much deeper than fashion here. I often feel blocked in terms of who and what I am allowed to be�or allow myself to be. And maybe that�s part of why I love acting so much� because it�s a safe venue to explore all of my shadows without doing any real damage to myself or anyone else.