Tuesday, Aug. 05, 2003 | 10:25 AM

I�ve been thinking about how I am when I�m hurt. How I�ve lashed out at people in a non-confrontational, cruel, manipulative way. And I�m trying to wrap my head around that because I don�t like it�I haven't behaved that way in a long time, and I think I�ve changed. But on the other hand I haven�t been terribly terribly hurt in a long time either so I can�t prove that I�m any different now than I was six months ago.

Maybe the reason I haven�t been terribly terribly hurt in a long time is that I�ve been a lot smarter about how I handle my personal life and a lot more aware so that I don�t get blindsided. I�ve become far less gullible and I�ve learned a lot of lessons.

This is a multi-faceted issue�

I think finding ways to deal with hurt in a more productive fashion is something I�m working on.

I am really really REALLY glad that I have mended things with Angus. The trial by fire that we went through in the context of our relationship was necessary. But I look back at some of the things I said and thought about him after he really really hurt me and I�m ashamed�not because I didn�t have every right in the world to be extremely pissed off and wounded, but because I did a disservice to what he meant to me by saying things that were just petty. When I�m super hurt�I mean hurt to the bone, dead in the water kind of hurt�my modus operendi has been to dismiss the person who hurt me, to cut them down, to make them less human. I got really good at doing that over the past few years�we all develop survival mechanisms and in some ways I can�t blame myself�I was oing the best I could at the time. There was just so much hurt, you know? I�m trying to consciously change and at the same time forgive myself which also means forgiving others�we all do, I think, the best we can with the level of awareness we posses at any given time. And it�s so sad that you can hurt people you love to such an extent that you can�t be in each other�s lives anymore.

I spent almost two hours on the phone with Angus last night, mostly about that issue. On the one hand I think people come into our lives at certain times for certain reasons and maybe they�re there for forty years and maybe they�re there for three months�the length of time isn�t relevant�it�s what we mean to each other and what we learn from each other. So in that sense, the fact that relationships (of whatever kind) end isn�t a bad thing at all but just a part of the life cycle.

But then there�s another whole side of it which Angus eloquently outlined, and I wish I could remember his exact words�just how sad it is that you can go through so much with someone and then somewhere along the line things go horribly wrong and you�re barely on speaking terms with that person.

I just don�t want to lose anyone else in my life. I only want to add people, he said

I understand that sentiment. It�s all so complicated. It makes me want to re-read What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.

Sometimes maybe the only way you can really learn the most about yourself is through having to end your connection with someone else.

But I am so glad that what I have with Angus didn�t wind up in the crossfire of our own psychic growth spurts. I mean, who knows what will happen in the future� but for right now, we�ve come very very far. And I love him even more for that.