Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 | 9:00 AM

The plan on Friday evening was that Angus would come over around 6, I�d teach him some computer programs, we�d grab dinner and drinks, and then off to Blue Man at 10.

That was the plan. We tried valiantly to follow it.

Angus did arrive at 6. And I did teach him some computer programs. And then�.

Rather than tell all the sordid details, why don�t I flash forward to the next day around 1PM.

I wake up wearing nothing but my bra and panties with Angus draped over me. I attempt to move and a hacking cough fit overtakes me. When I stand up my legs feel like rubber. I stumble into the living room and yell holy shit!. At some point in the evening apparently Nero, Caligula, Syd Vicious, and Heidi Fleiss let themselves in and redecorated.

The room was littered with massage oil. Various other ahem� erotic paraphernalia. Bottles of hard liquor. A couple of substances I could be arrested for possessing and sent upstate for a long ass time. Clothing strewn about lasciviously over all matter of furniture.

The night, in all its crazy sexy bizarre debauchery came flooding back to me. It was the kind of night I haven�t had in almost ten years. It was hella fun.

I went back to bed and snuggled with Angus for awhile and then we got dressed and stumbled over to Finagle a Bagle; it took Angus about an hour to eat half a bagle. Neither of us could stop giggling the whole time. After breakfast we hugged in the street and a tenderness washed over me, as well as a terrible fear in the pit of my stomach.

I went home and went to bed. And I just woke up. That�s right. I slept for almost 19 hours straight.

Here�s what worries me. Angus and I are both doing so well in our lives right now�we�re both getting serious and working hard. I�ve accomplished more in the past year being a single, independent person than I did in the previous several years. I don�t want either of us to jeopardize the other person�s hard won autonomy or sense of security. And I am scared shitless that the feelings I am having for him may cause me to fuck up my own life. This happened before and I don�t want it to happen again. I�m afraid that I�m going to jettison all my hopes and dreams and become 100% focussed on him when I live with him. If I see that hella fun crazy debaucherous night as a metaphor, it�s like being with him usurped all of the plans we�d made.

On the other hand, I�m a lot older and have a shit load of experience and some grains of wisdom under my belt. I have a life that I�ve built for myself and it certainly doesn�t revolve around him. The very fact that I am cognizant of this is positive. I think living with him will be a really good learning experience on how to love someone and not have your life revolve around that person. This is something I really need to learn. I know it is. It�s just a matter of figuring it out.

The nebulous, undefined nature of our relationship is good for this, I think. I�m not stuck in a role of beinmg his girlfriend (vomit). And we both talked and decided we need to make sure we have lots of alone time away from each other. We�ll have our own rooms, and we�ll never spend entire weekends with each other, and we have our own friends and our own activities and goals. And nights like Friday will be a novelty�something that happens once in a blue moon.

I guess sometimes you just have to blow off steam.

I�ll (hopefully) be in Six Degrees of Separation this fall. I�m also going to take a class at Harvard I think. And I want to get much more physical�I�m going to the gym and I think I want to do a Tai Chi class. I�m spending time with lots of other people I care about. My feelings for Angus�I�m NOT going to name them. I�m not going to say I�m falling in whatever you fall into when you feel like this�quick sand? I still have lots of other romantic feelings for lots of other people�

It�s gonna be alright.

OK�I�m going to the gym now.