Sunday, Jul. 06, 2003 | 1:16 AM

Dear Ivy,

It�s Sunday July 6th right now�shortly after midnight, and I�ve been thinking about us a lot this evening. I haven�t heard from you since the wonderful passionate night we had on Thursday, and I think I know what your answer about us is. And I�m not going to send this I don�t think until I hear from you definitely�maybe because I�m hoping that I�m wrong�I don�t know. I don�t know if I�ll ever send it�I�m just trying to work through my feelings about everything and maybe writing you, even if I don�t give this to you, will help.

It�s already almost the second week into July and you�re going to be gone throughout all of August and then in September you�ll basically be married. So really, what�s the point? What�s the point besides the fact that I�m crazy about you and I think maybe you are about me or we�re beginning to be or something? I want you to be happy and I don�t want to fuck up your life. And I honestly don�t know what�s best for you. Hell, I don�t even know what�s best for me. I only know what I want, and what we want isn�t often the best thing for us, right?

But here�s what I do know�what you have done for me has been so amazing. You have given me a gift and I don�t think you even understand what it is. For the very first time in my life, I understand what it�s like to be with someone who sees me for who I am and accepts and really 100% likes that person. I have never ever had that in my whole life�not romantically anyway, and even though my gut instinct is telling me that circumstances being what they are, this is over, having had this has made a phenomenal difference in my life.

I think about you, and I am upset. Upset because you just fell into my lap when I wasn�t looking for you and there you were, and I loved you. And now it�s going to be over. But I am so happy to have had this, Ivy, I really am. You are such a beautiful person. Just knowing you and spending time with you has been a treasure. You are brilliant and funny and talented and drop dead gorgeous. You are kind and sexy and gentle and exciting. And I know I think, that what we have cannot last. And quite honestly, I can�t be in a position where I have to fight for you�the fight is gone out of me, has been for awhile as far as romance is concerned. And I can�t put myself on the line and tell you that we�re meant to be together� partially because I am just too god damned tired and warn out, and partly because I did that before in my life, and it was a fucking disaster�it nearly killed me.

If you or anyone else wants to be with me, you�re going to have to make that decision of your own accord� not because I pull a Lloyd Dobbler and stand outside your bedroom window blaring In Your Eyes-- there�s only so much heart felt honesty I can bring to the table, Ivy. And I cannot and don�t want to make you see things my way. Life isn�t a John Cusack movie, unfortunately.

And if this is it, which I think it most likely is, I will treasure for all time how incredible it has been to be with you. In the short time we�ve been together I have felt more comfortable than I ever have with anyone, and it has been an incredible lesson to me about what romantic relationships ought to be�about what I deserve and have a right to expect.

And again Ivy, I can�t say enough what a god damned amazing person you are. How just seeing you brightens my day. Your ideas and your sense of humor, your insight and your understanding have brought so much into my life. You have made me incredibly happy. In a matter of weeks you managed to reach down into who I am at the core and extract the best most honest pieces of me. I was just looking for fun�the kind of fun I�ve had since January�making out and fucking around with a myriad of people. How shocked was I to have found in you someone I adored truly? Nothing has surprised me more. I thought my capacity to love in this way was dead and buried. You made that come alive again.

I want so much for you to be happy, and I don�t want to be the thing that fucked up your life. I don�t want to be someone you resent because this has been so life affirming and positive for me. I�m going to miss you so much. You are the epitome of everything I want in someone else. And if I never have another relationship with anyone else, when I die I�ll still be able to look back and say there was one person who really knew me and cared for me and made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. And I�ll be able to say that there was someone who I would have, if the circumstances were right, settled down with and loved for all time. I know this in my heart.

And that�s why I�m willing to let you go so easily. Because I cannot and do not want to sully anything with plea bargains and begging. I can�t and don�t want to stop you from the decision you have made about what you need. I can�t fashion myself into someone who would be stable and sturdy for you.

We all have our own destinies. And I told you that mine right now is to fulfill my own ambitions. I am most likely going to have sold everything I own and be out of here by next summer. I can�t offer you the stability that you want and need. I can�t stay here, even for you. It would eventually ruin everything we are anyway.

One of my greatest memories will be how you climbed over the sofa and sat on my lap and kissed me as Ella Fitzgerald kept time with the candle flickering on my kitchen table. That was magic. You are magic.

You have made me so so happy Ivy. I only wish this kind of happiness for you, for all time.

I think I can say honestly, that I love you.

Much, much love.

Xoxoxoxo

Anna