Sunday, Jul. 06, 2003 | 7:38 PM

I�m feeling confused and afraid right now. I hate feeling as though I don�t have any control of a situation. I feel like a defendant waiting for a jury to come back. She�s taking time to think about what she wants and needs. She�s overwhelmed. She didn�t expect this to happen�neither did I. It�s like being hit over the head by sledge hammer. It�s confusing. And it�s wonderful.

She needs to think about long term consequences. I don�t. I�m only interested in right now. And right now I want her with an intensity that is visceral. How the hell can I know whether I�ll feel that way in a year? I don�t want to make long term commitments. I want to explore what�s going on today. Why should I deny myself today simply because tomorrow I might feel differently.

I want her to be happy. I only want her to be here if it�s going to be good for her. I don�t want to hurt her. And yet I want her so much that it�s nearly impossible to deny it when we�re in the same room. How can you just be friends with someone when neither of you can keep your hands off each other?

What was so crazy was that I was a perfect �gentleman� when she came over on Thursday. She had made her decision clear to me and I didn�t want to put her in a bad position. But she recanted or changed her mind, I guess and she seduced the hell out of me. It was surprising. And romantic. And sexy as all hell. I could do nothing all day besides kiss her. She is one of the best kissers I have ever kissed, and I�ve kissed many many good kissers. She�s all curves and softness. Her body is holy. I get chills just looking at her. Those big beautiful eyes and that mouth and her hair and�

Jesus Christ. OK�I am going to stop thinking about this now.

Last night I saw 28 Days Later with Angus. It was interesting but flawed.

Oh who am I kidding? I can�t think about anything else right now. I�m going to curl up in a ball and listen to The Magnetic Fields.