Wednesday, Jul. 02, 2003 | 3:37 PM

This is what I wrote in response to Ivy�s email yesterday:

Hey,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm not mad nor do I not want you as part of my life or anything like that.

There is a certain kind of vulnerability that I am really good at and a certain kind that I am just terrible at. You have inadvertently wandered into my emotional minefield. When I feel wounded, I have an entire arsenal of defense mechanisms that I have relied upon for so long that their execution is nearly instinctual. These range from ignoring the problem, being distant, snarky, sarcastic, manipulative and an entire host of other unpleasant attributes. I am trying very very hard to dismantle these responses and communicate from a deeply truthful place (sorry to go all Oprah on you) but it's so new to me that I honestly just don't even know how to respond to what you said. It's funny how life or the universe or God or whatever presents you with these learning opportunities like classroom exercises and you have to do them until you really learn the lesson. It's definitely positive to be forced to deal with your own inner demons, but not so much fun, you know?

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know in case you are worried that the reason I haven't gotten back to you is that I just am kind of working my way through what you communicated and sort of examining my feelings about it. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how I feel about something that I can't really see straight. And I've learned recently that it's better to let everything sift and be alone with it before discussing it with anyone else. There's a side of me that's not very kind, that can actually be quite cruel when hurt. I've been looking at that part of me a lot lately and trying to understand it , and it's something that I don't want to subject you (or anyone else I care about) to anymore. Hence my delayed reaction. So many of my past relationships have been ruined by game playing and I don�t want that to happen to us. So I�d rather be slow and say things the right way.

But anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. As it is the holiday weekend and I don't have to work the next day, I am making sangria (woo hoo!) and I am going to indulge in it a touch. I hope you will too.

With love,

Anna