Monday, Jun. 30, 2003 | 9:24 PM

...I also have to be a huge coward and email you to say that I am thinking perhaps we have to end the romantic portion of our friendship. I wrote you a long drippy letter about this which I can still give you if you want. The jist of it is that with the way I feel about you now and the potential for those feelings to deepen... I fear the end result of a whirlwind romance here would only be heartache for one or both of us. I hope you know how truly amazing, talented, wonderful and beautiful I think you are. In reality that is part of the problem, I mean, if I didn't like you so much I could just make out with you. :) But alas, I think the connection I feel with you precludes our having a casual romance. I really hate saying any of this and I feel like an idiot, but I also know myself well enough to know that the potential for trouble here is great. I don't want to jeopardize having you in my life, because I am so so glad you are in my life now. I am hoping you will still want to have me in your life in this capacity.

Ergh. Okay, I'm sorry if this is so lame you can't stand it and I'm sorry to put it in an email. I have been trying to figure out how to talk to you about this and I decided I just need to go forward and say something. Plese let me know what you think and we can talk on the phone or whatever you want about this. I also still really want to see you on Thursday.

thank you anna, i adore you.

love

Ivy

--I'm feeling really crappy right now and so I'm just going to vent for a moment and be very very negative, so please no assinine guestbook mesages about how everything works out for the best, or how someday blah blah and I need to learn such and such. I don't want to fucking hear it.

I am through with love. I'm so serious. Through 100%. Love and me are a big fucking disaster. Any time I remotely feel something for anyone else it turns into a big fucking ridiculous hurtful mess. And I am DONE with it. In fact, I am going to spurn the next person who pursues me in any way.

FUCK LOVE*. It has never done a single good thing for me. Fuck it. From now on I am only going to fuck around with people I dislike and maybe I will purposely break in half a few hearts the way mine has been put through the shredder time and time again.

OK-- I will never mention this again. From now on I am only going to talk about math.

*By which I mean romantic or sexual love.