Thursday, Jun. 12, 2003 | 2:18 PM

I�ve had a million one night stands. And friends who became lovers. And I�ve had heart throb True Romance crushes that singed my heart and my libido until both burned out. And I�ve had Long Term Relationships that grew like twisted trees, branches enveloping one another, roots hidden, bark splitting.

But this is the most normal experience I have ever had.

I never had the Meet Cute, Talk, Decide You Like Him/Her, Make Out, Exchange Emails, Have a Misunderstanding, Make Up, Go on a Date scenario.

EVER.

I mean, never ever in my whole life have I had that. Not even in high school.

All of my relationships have fallen into the bizarro bin along with Syd and Nancy, Harold and Maude, Henry and June, etc.

I�ve received oral sex from a stranger on a train.

I�ve slow danced half naked to AC/DC in the arms of a boy I should not have been with.

I�ve bedded the ex-girlfriends of ex-male lovers.

I�ve made out in closets with tiny blonde cheerleaders.

I fucked a Canadian Tom Cruise look alike bartender behind his bar after closing hours. I was 19. He was 33.

I had sex on the carpet at 3AM in my former place of employ (and yours most likely too)

I�ve had threesomes and foursomes and twosomes and me-somes. Ever so many me-somes.

But I have never ever EVER in my entire life had someone just plain old tell me that they really like me and maybe want to be with me. Until now.

When you�ve lived in The Twilight Zone your entire life, Normal feels a bit frightening.