Tuesday, Jun. 10, 2003 | 2:30 PM

So�

In the past six months I have gone through three serious �crushes� (I�m on the third right now.) And I have made out with 15 people�11 men and four women. Five were strangers and ten were people I already knew. Of those 15, there are five whom I have made out with on more than one occasion during the preceding half a year.

How mature am I that I am documenting this?

But really the thing is, I went through a highly protracted phase of sexual discovery. It�s not that I think I missed out or anything at all�only that I am sort of doing things in reverse order. It�s been very healthy for me to fuck around in this way and not have it be such a big deal.

I really really like Ivy a lot. I am kind of facing that right now. The other two crushes, Mr. Wonderful and Co-Star were never my close friends. Mr. Wonderful I am still completely in awe of and adore in a weird giddy art worship way�I�m sort of chastely head over heels enamored of his abilities and of his persona which is so kind and gentle and funny. And Co-Star I appreciate for the phenomenal onstage chemistry the two of us shared, and because he�s quite humorous and likeable. But I think it was really all about what happened between us onstage.

Ivy�

You know, who knows. I�m reticent to name anything. All I know is I love talking to her and she�s on my mind. And it�s so wonderful to be really liked for exactly who you are, which is how I feel when I�m around her. I don�t feel like she wishes I were thinner or less of a such and such and more of a so and so. I can�t remember the last time I felt that way around anyone whom I was romantically involved with, except maybe Angus but that�s a whole completely different situation and weird in its own ways.

And I feel like I can be really honest with Ivy and like I�m not playing games with her. And I really admire her. She�s on the fucking ball.

This is such a weird point in my life. On the one hand I�ve found exactly what I want to do and I�m doing it and I�m getting ahead and I feel really really good about everything. And on the other hand it�s like I�ve gone totally crazy and I just want to push push push everything to its absolute limit and I kind of wonder you know, why I�m not dead yet with the way that I have been living which is on no sleep and lots of booze and pills (but I have been taking it very easy since the Good Life incident, I�ll have you know. That was kind of wake up call) and so much activity. Just going going going until I can�t go anymore and collapse. And I LIKE that�but then also there�s kind of a loneliness of being so out on the edge and I need to learn how to harness all this energy because otherwise I�m going to completely burn myself out.

I don�t want to wind up being Neal Cassady.

And you know I have to find some way of dealing, really dealing with this damage once and for all�of repairing it. Although maybe this is all just part of the process of repairing it. Maybe this wild and crazy dancing on tables phase is part of the process of really becoming my own person, just as being in the play and performing again is part of that process too. I definitely feel like on a daily basis I am metamorphosing and growing, and I haven�t felt like that since I was 18�I had become so fucking stagnant. Now I feel like people are sort of afraid of me and they don�t understand me, but the thing is I was so tightly wound and fake for so long, without even realizing it�I mean I don�t think that there was anyone at all who I was really allowing to see who I am. Nobody. On some level of my relationships were false, elaborate parlor games. It didn�t mean that I didn�t care for anyone, but I was so terrified of just being myself. And now I�ve been away from the real valid person that I am for so long that I�m just kind of exploring every part of my personality. And that involves all kinds of craziness. It�s like trying on all of these different dresses to see what fits. And I would honestly prefer pushing myself to such extremes of sensory experience rather than numbing myself out, reigning myself in, dumbing myself down and generally being the scared timid broken nagging little person I�ve been forever.

And I think I have to trust that I am finding my way, finding a balance. That I am reaching some level of authenticity and it requires pulling back many many layers. That this crazy carousing stage is not the be all and end all, but a merely a phase�something I needed to go through on this pilgrimage.

It�s like journeying into the center of the earth.