Monday, Jun. 09, 2003 | 1:28 PM

There are so many people in the world that you can love. In the past few months I�ve met (and been involved with) several whom I could potentially imagine myself �being with�, if I were planning to be �be with� anyone.

It really and truly all comes down to timing and circumstance. Opportunity and choice. We do have far greater will as to where we place our feelings and affections than many of us believe.

About six or eight months ago, I was sitting in my mother�s kitchen sipping a cup of tea, just about on the verge of crying and talking about love. She said something that I will never forget.

Anna, you can love anybody.

I looked at her like she was out of her mind. She repeated it.

You can love anybody. Love is in everything. You can pick it right out of the air like an apple off a tree. You�re thinking about love as though it�s akin to being struck by lightening�that it�s some kind of elusive lottery you win, and it isn�t. You can make choices about love the same way you make choices about anything else.

I politely disagreed with her.

Anna, some people have problems knowing how to love. So maybe for them it might take some kind of special key to unlock their hearts�maybe they need that one special person to come along and teach them how to love. But you aren�t in that position. You already know exactly how to love someone�you know how to connect with people right down to the core of who they are�that�s what I love most about you. So you can make choices about whom you give your full heart and attention to. And you can make choices that are worthy of what you have to give.

I was growing exasperated.

Well, that�s not very romantic,

I said.

My mother rolled her eyes.

Listen to me�romantic schmantic. If you have the capacity to love anyone, then what you need to do is look for someone, if you want to be in a relationship, who can be a good partner for you. It�s not a bad idea for you to sit down and think about what it is that you would want and need in a relationship with someone else�the same way you did when you were looking for a job. Make a list.

I grew more and more depressed at this pragmatic approach to matters of the heart.

A list. Great.

My mom poured me more tea.

Oh and Anna, it is romantic to make conscious choices. It says so much more about the state of your soul to make a cognizant decision than to just get swept up in something. As though you don�t have control over it.

This all struck me strangely at the time, but due to the earthquakes and other seismic shifts in my life over the past several months, I have come to accept this as absolutely true. True for me anyway�we all have our own paths.

I thought about how in the past I was (although very ardent) incredibly passive in relationships. I didn�t show interest in people until they showed interest in me. This is a bad sign. I was saying to the world, �I am worth what you think I�m worth.� The pattern was, someone would show interest in me, I would decide I liked them, they would cool off, and I would chase them, spending the rest of our involvement attempting to make them like me again. I did this because I had no sense of my own worth, and so I placed the onus of my self image on someone else. I made another person responsible for how I felt about myself.

And when I did that, I stopped being who I was because I was always trying to conform to what someone else wanted. So really, the people I was with didn�t actually have any idea who I was at all�they thought they did. They certainly had a bird�s eye view of my various defense mechanisms, avoidance tactics, insecurities, wounds, and frustrations. But I don�t feel that until incredibly recently I have really opened up and shown myself to anyone.

So here is the list I made of what I want in any love relationship, should I decide to embark upon one.

1) S/he will have a full life including career and friends that is completely separate from mine.

2) S/he will love me exactly as I am�exactly the size and shape and character. Not in spite of who I am but because of who I am.

3) S/he will not compare me to other people

4) S/he will be openly physically affectionate

5) S/he will have concrete goals and passions that don�t have to do with me

6) S/he will not need to be mothered.

7) S/he will be supportive of me and care about what I do with my life and my time.

8) S/he would be the kind of person that if I was ever treated badly in a bar or anywhere else, s/he would say something like �Shut up my girlfriend rocks and you suck.�

9) S/he would be strong enough to never let me railroad him/her.

And in turn, here is what I want and am willing to be in any love affair from now on.

1) I will have so much trust in my lover�s integrity that I would never (or rarely) feel jealous or possessive. I would feel secure enough to know that I had a special place in his/her life and that I wasn�t being lied to.

2) I would be able to set aside my ego enough to take constructive criticism and really listen to his/her feelings

3) I would not try to control what he/she did with his/her life�I would choose someone who dynamically made decisions and whose courage and assertiveness I consistently felt inspired by.

4)I would choose someone who helped bring out the best in me and whom I brought out the best in-- that we would bring out each other's strengths rather than our respective weaknesses.

I would feel so loved and supported and paid attention to, that I would not attempt to elicit his/her attention in the childish and insecure manner I have in the past.

In line with all that, I learned the following:

1) Every feeling you have is absolutely 100% valid.

2) It follows that every feeling someone else has is 100% valid as well and you need to honor the feelings/desires of others as yours deserve to be honored. Stay away from people who try to talk you out of what you know to be true about yourself and your life, and stay away from people whom you feel compelled to control

3) You cannot nor should you ever attempt to control what anyone else does with his/her life.

4) You can however and should make conscious decisions about what you do. Make bold strong clear and well defined choices based on your perceptions.

OK�this has been my manifesto of the day. It was probably boring as fuck all to read, but I needed to organize my thoughts on all this.

(I had a dream about Ivy last night. She�s on my mind�)