Sunday, Jun. 08, 2003 | 5:52 PM

I�ve been thinking a lot about that asshole at the club yesterday and what an eye opening experiencing it was.

I�ve been in situations before with asshole men, but when I�ve said �NO�, they�ve backed off. This was the first time that saying no and physically attempting to get away from someone didn�t work. I felt really helpless and violated as I tried to wriggle out of this guy�s grasp as he grabbed my ass and my tits. I�d never realized how vulnerable I was. And I became kind of enraged by that. It makes me seriously want to take some kind of kick boxing class or something. If I�m ever in that kind of position like that again, I want to be strong enough to fucking sucker punch the sonofabitch who thinks he can maul me without my consent and get away with it. I felt so stupid that my guy friends had to step in and intimidate this shithead in order for him to leave me alone. And I felt ashamed of myself, even though I had no fucking reason to be. I can dance any way I want to. If I want to shake it on the dance floor it�s not a provocation for some fucking cocksucker to come over and fuck with me.

It�s not even that the guy came up to me and put his hands all over me that pissed me off. It�s that when I made it very obvious by saying no and trying to get away from him and he delighted in my discomfort and kept fucking touching me and tried to put his fucking hands up my skirt and grabbed onto me even tighter the harder I tried to get away. Fucking bastard. It just made me so god damned furious.

I�m going to admit that I have a huge fascination with sado-masochism and have on several occasions played out various sexual scenarios involving being dominated or being the dominator. I occasionally like things very very rough and one of biggest fantasies (realized by Ivy) is being slammed against a wall and molested. But I�ve always been in a safe environment with people I trust who would stop if I asked them to. It�s entirely different than having a stranger try to fuck with you and not be able to get away from him.

As I�ve become more attractive lately, I�m getting more negative attention, and I fucking hate it so much. Why is it that being a woman is such a double edged sword? If you�re �beautiful� people treat you like an object. If you�re �ugly� they treat you like you don�t exist. I fucking hate it so much. I want to start my own society by invitation only.

Anyway, my show is on Saturday night and it�s going to be so fucking hott. You better be there.