Saturday, Jun. 07, 2003 | 4:32 PM

Yesterday.

WOW.

Work was so brutal. I was exhausted. So during my lunch break I pulled down the shade in my office winow, closed the door, turned off the lights, and took a nap on the floor.

When I awoke I felt rejuvenated.

After work I went to meet Alamada and Ali at Fajitas and Ritas downtown and we had a nice long dinner and great conversation. Following that it was rehearsal time. There was a mix up about the room I booked at Harvard so I got into a near shouting match with the most arrogant med student I have ever met. He basically refused to leave even though the room was clearly mine and he�d just wandered in. Then I got into a near altercation with the security guard who wouldn�t give me the key to open the piano even though I had called in advance and gotten permission. But, I refused to take no for an answer and I wound up securing the room. I've become a lot more assertive lately as I've grown more confident. My boss actually introduced me to this high ranking government official as the resident Office Diva, the other day, and she meant it as a compliment. Lately, I've refused to back down from any altercation.

Anyway, Alamada and I had a highly productive work session, as Ali looked on. (He is such a terrific guy and he and Alamada are so much in love. So I guess that makes two functional monogamous relationships between people I know, the other being Buddy L. and his darling. I suppose these things actually can occur.)

We practiced for awhile and then the three of us took off back to my apartment where we all collectively tidied up in anticipation that Ivy League Crush/Lover (whose nickname henceforth will be Ivy) might join me there later on. Then we went off to meet The Cabaret cast and crew at The Hong Kong.

For the first time in a long while I really paced myself drinking wise. I was probably the only (semi) sober person in our group at the end of the night.

We spent a lot of time dancing and at one point this fucking asshole came up to me and like molested me and he wouldn�t take no for an answer. I kept trying to get away from him and he kept grabbing me even though I clearly told him no and tried to push him away. It was so awful and upsetting, and I felt diminished as a person and it�s like he was getting off on that. So my peeps stepped in and he got kicked out and that was good, but it left me feeling a bit shaken. Why do guys have to be such fucking creeps?

Then at the end of the night, Co-Star and Ivy started dancing together and then suddenly they were making out. It was weird�I had two distinct and contradicting emotions�the first being that it was so hott to watch two people I�d fooled around with and am really attracted to get it on with each other. And the second was this sense of hurt and jealousy. I wanted to be with Ivy and I was disappointed that things worked out the way they did.

Me and Kel walked downstairs and hung outside and talked, and a few minutes later Ivy joined us. Kel got a cab home and Ivy and I were standing on the sidewalk. She looked at me and said,

You�re mad at me aren�t you.

And I paused for a minutes and I said,

Why would I be mad? (yes, I am that passive aggressive.)

And she said,

You are so transparent. You�re mad because I kissed Co-Star, right?

And in the spirit of total honesty I have been attempting t cultivate, I responded truthfully.

Yes. I felt really hurt. But you didn�t do anything wrong.

And she looked devastated and said,

Now you�re going to make me cry.

I put my hand on her shoulder and said,

Listen, you and I are not in a committed relationship. We haven�t even remotely discussed it. We had one really great night, and that�s it. You didn�t do anything bad at all. Your experience was valid and it�s valid for me to be disappointed and jealous, and it�s OK�I�ll work through it and whatever is meant to happen between us is going to happen. But you don�t need to be sorry because you didn�t do anything wrong. Besides, I made out with him many times myself. We were married remember? We even sang a song about it.

And then she kissed me.

Our dear friend Kara, another cast member came over to us at that point, and the three of us walked back to my house and we all hung out for a little while. Kara went to the bathroom at one point and Ivy and I had a brief discussion and we kissed again.

Eventually they both went home, as both of them had to work early this morning. Ivy and I have a dinner date at my place a couple weeks away and she�ll be at my show.

Ivy is so spontaneous and sexy and funny and intelligent. And when I�m around her I feel wonderful. She is so easy to talk to and I am ridiculously attracted to her. It�s scaring me a little bit that I might really like her.

But again, everything will happen organically. That�s definitely a lesson I�ve learned from past fuck ups�you can�t force anything, you know? I�m interested to see how everything works out.

Do you know what�s funny? I�m going to look out during my show and see a sea faces in the audience, and most of them will have been people whose tongues were at some point in my mouth. I kinda like that concept, you know?