Friday, Jun. 06, 2003 | 11:12 AM

Yesterday was a weird, weird day�wonderful, and weird.

It was graduation at Harvard and that made me sad because I�m very close to our current graduating students. They were very kind to me and told me how much they liked me and appreciated everything I�d done for them. I almost cried. I really really love those guys and I�m going to miss them.

After work Alamada and I rehearsed for hours. I can say safely that I am in love�in a professional capacity. I have a new musical partnership and it�s fucking enthralling. We are so in synch with each other and we�re both incredibly driven and ambitious. It�s a fucking joy to work with her�just amazing.

After rehearsal we went over to the Good Life. There was a band playing�a really fucking hott blues/soul band. During a break the pianist came and sat down with us. We struck up a good conversation about music and performing and he asked me to sing a couple songs with the band. So I got up and did Summertime and Ain�t Misbehaven and of course it rocked. As my ivy league lover says, �It was white hott�

It was so fun to sing with a band.

Alamada left to go home and I hung out with Josh at the bar. Unfortunately, I had hardly eaten anything all day and on my 6th chocolate martini, a big gulp went down the wrong pipe. I started coughing, and then horror of horrors I hurled at the bar. Yes, ladies and gents, I threw up in the middle of the Good Life. It was mortifying.

But the thing is, I wasn�t as embarrassed as I should have been most likely because there was a detached part of me that found the whole thing kind of amusing in a rock star way although I felt really terrible for Josh.

Then Josh told me that he and Debbie have been worried about my drinking. His exact words were actually �You�re a Drunk.� He�s right. I have been drinking like a mutherfucker since January when all the shit went down.

The thing is, I�m really and truly happy and more myself now than I ever have been. I feel like a million dollars most of the time. I am getting just about everything I want in the world. I feel far more productive and together than I ever have. And I�m not drinking because I�m pained. I�m drinking because I�m out having a blast. I�m a happy drunk. I don�t pull bullshit anymore like I used to. I don�t get teary eyed. I just have fun. Of course throwing up in the middle of a bar is a bad sign. I�ve always known that at some point I�m going to wind up in AA or dead. But right now I�m having a fantastic time. And the twelve stepping is going to have to wait until I�m not capable of doing what I wanna do anymore.

I just felt terrible because I don�t want to hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable and it pains me to know that my friends are concerned. So I�m going to try to take it easy. Also, I really need to make sure I eat real meals rather than surviving on a steady diet of Stoli Vanilla and Cr�me de Cacao. The fact that I�ve lost a lot of weight is nice�it�s the alcoholism diet! I just keep forgetting to eat �cause I�m out carousing. But you can�t keep doing things like that forever.

So yeah, I felt really awful and I�m going to rein in my hedonism a bit so that I don�t give my friends heart attacks. I was very touched by everything Josh said to me, and I felt badly about it all.

Anyway, when I got home I practiced singing for awhile. I went over the aria from Carmen and also played around with Old Devil Moon which is my new favorite song.

This morning when I checked my email, I had three new messages from my Ivy Leauge Crush/Lover, who just got back from Seattle where she was doing a photo shoot. I�m seeing her tonight.

I think I really really like her. A lot.