Wednesday, May. 14, 2003 | 10:18 AM

Yesterday was a strange day. It started off badly and went down hill from there, although I guess technically speaking it came out alright. I felt like a terrible horrible no good very bad cad. I am awful with money�just awful. And not out of any malice but I simply just have not been thinking about it. I thought I�d gotten everything all set, but I should have followed up more, and I didn�t�I�ve been too busy off in my own beautiful theatrical art universe, and the world of bills and decimal points and dollar signs has been shoved from my consciousness.

So I got a severe wake up call yesterday�and the thing is, if it were just about me, I really wouldn�t care that much. But of course, it effects someone else, and that makes me feel just horrible. So I spent the day on the telephone and kicking myself for not having any financial scruples.

But. I have a plan. Remember Second Job that I loved so dearly? The classical music society? I just got off the phone with them, and after the end of Cabaret they are hiring me to work 25 hours a week from late May through September. So I�ll be back to a 55 hour work week. This will put my theatrical plans off a bit. But that�s fine. This summer is going to be the summer of cleaning up all loose ends. I am going to get myself completely out of debt. I am going to buckle down and stop smoking and drinking. I am going to work out every day and eat cheaply and nutritiously and live on 60$ a week. The rest of my money is going to go to paying everything off�heck, I�ve lived on lots less in the past. And I am going to emerge in fantastic physical, mental, emotional, and financial shape. This is something I need to do before I tear off to be a gypsy actress. I have to really get myself in hand. Get disciplined. Get (reasonably) healthy. I�ve been living like a star�being taken out for drinks every night, staying up until the wee hours, making out with a billion different people. Ingesting mass quantities of booze. It�s been fun�a blast. But I am getting a little slack. And before I do anything else I need to pay everything off. I need that clean slate so I can leave with no ties. And besides, my ethical sensibilities are a cat o� nine tails whipping me across the back. The fact that I allowed this to happen is a big black mark on my character�very very bad. I need to make it up as quickly as possible.

So�summer=DISCIPLINE. Work work work. Yoga, swimming, and studying acting. Then, theatre in the Fall (either a play or a class at ART). Then, auditions in the Spring for Straw and NETC�s, as well as the Lotte Lenya singing contest (10,000 bucks for first prize�hey, somebody has to win it�why not me? I�m currently kicking ass in her role onstage.) Then, another play in the Spring. And then hopefully, running away in the summer of 2004 for the NETC or Straw Barn job after selling off all my worldly possessions except some books, music, and the clothes on my back. And then�well, between you and me, my plan is to be a well respected and consistently working actress. And I would bet my life on the fact that I�ll be able to do it.

Now that I know what I have to do, I�m not so terribly sad about Cabaret ending. It�s been a wonderful experience, and like all wonderful experiences, it has to come to an end at some point. The trick is being able to let go, and allow yourself the space for another wonderful experience to make itself available to you. I feel like this is a new chapter in my life. And I have absolutely no doubt about my own ability to do with my destiny exactly what I wish.